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I had a dream.
And you were in it. You were in absolute darkness. So heavy, you couldn't even see your palm stretched out ahead of you.
The Holy Spirit, taking the form of a matchstick flame, leads you onwards. It was a tiny source of light, but in that blackness, it was more than enough. The flame on the matchstick... never burned itself out. You kept holding onto it, and it guides your way.
It brings you to this huge candle suddenly.
And it is the glory, the light, and the warmth of Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior.
Its flame is intense, never wavering at all but holds still.
And like the matchstick fire... It never burns out.
It never flickers.
You went towards it and embraces it. Its warmth is so all-encompassing and refreshing. It saturates you from the inside out.
You looked into the flame's core and suddenly you realized that even while you stood in complete darkness, albeit in the glow of the Light, you saw that it does not matter that you have no idea where you are in this moment and in this uncertainty... You are dwelling in His presence.
And you said out loud, "I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Here in the Lord's presence, trusting Him. And it is enough for me."
There in the deep darkness, a man stands embracing the only source of Light. There, in the stark black atmosphere, is a peace on his face and his eyes are shut tight in contemplation and in awe.
And flowing from the candle to the man, all this while still gripping the lit matchstick tight in his hand, comes intimacy and a sense of mystery and the 'unknown'.
And there upon the black background, is a picture perfect moment of a man... and the Light that would never flicker or fade.
Amen.
This morning we had our AMKPC Leaders' Prayer Retreat at TTC, and it was truly a time of refreshing.
Up super early in the morning to help prepare for the retreat, and basically the highlight of the day was a silent meditation walk that we'll take from TTC to the Singapore Quarry nearby. We'll spend some personal time with the Lord at the open clearing there, and then make our way back.
It'll be one hour of silence.
ONE HOUR OF SILENCE.
The amazing thing? .....EVERYONE was truly silent.
During the planning process, the pastoral team were kinda wary of people not being used to the idea of staying quiet for such a stretch of time, and they'd be fidgety or use the time to chitchat and stuff.
But by God's grace, the time spent was meaningful to all (we found out during the reflection sessions after that)
Perhaps I'll share with you what God spoke to me about in tml's entry. Today I wanted to use this post to share what Elder Lester shared with our group during the reflection session.
It really touched my heart.
He said that during the walk he kept looking at the trees growing all along the path. He noticed that the leaves on the majority of the trees had holes in them - either eaten by bugs or by diseases. The leaves were half-brownish, rotted, and some all shriveled up; at the point of falling off the branches.
But what struck him was that even though these trees had leaves that were full of holes, some were still flowering, some producing fruits; and they were all firmly rooted in the soil.
They were still alive.
And that's the story of grace right there.
WE are like those trees.
We are full of sinfulness and brokenness, resulting in holes in our individual lives.
But by God's grace, He enables us to flower, to be able to produce fruits and at the end of the day we are ultimately rooted in Him.
We are alive because of Him.
I love that. I love the fact that we recognize that we, like those trees, are not perfect. We are riddled with the sins of this world, but God STILL chooses to work in our lives. He brings about His glory through our imperfections.
Such amazing, amazing love.
Dear God,
Youth Camp '09! Still remember 2 years ago, God? I wrote you a "letter"? Here I am writing you one again!
The past four days was a whirlwind of activities and emotions.
I remembered laughing when I first heard the camp's theme - By Faith.
Oh God, such irony! It's going to be such a learning experience for new believers and for the 'old birds' as well.
And guess what?
It was.
This time round, I took a backseat as a team leader and became a team facilitator instead. I truly panicked every buzz session, where I'm so afraid I might say something not right about Your word and hailstorms suddenly appear to strike me dead or what. It was so tiring rah-rahing the team as well, and yet wanting to not do too much so the team leader could do his thing. Peter and I did so much rah-rahing, it's amazing the smile never freeze permanently on our faces.
But the one moment I actually "saw" you, God, was during the Amazing Race (Ohhhh.. the Annoying Race...)
Our team was the last to move off as we couldn't piece together this photo puzzle of the location we were going to. Everything was done except for the SKY. Which is white. And we were fiddling with white pieces for a solid 20mins, I think. One boy started to get agitated as he saw the other teams moving off, and he threw down his pieces when the only other team aside from us left too. Peter and I tried to keep morales high, and I was looking beseechingly to the gamemaster but he kept saying, "KEEP TRYING, KEEP TRYING HARDER" (Seriously dude, they're just kids. Give them a break.)
We finally moved off, but that boy was even more upset as he felt the gamemasters took pity on us and let us go. I got quite frustrated as his emotions were putting the other members' down, but couldn't fault him as boys will be boys, and boys wanted to win. I sort of went further ahead with him, while Peter were playing games with the other boys behind us, and this conversation occured:
Me: "What have we been learning during this whole camp?"
Boy who is sad: "Faith"
"And you're in the camp committee somemore!"
"*sulking* We were the last team to leave lor! They anyhow cut the stupid photo, it was so difficult, tell them to piece it together themselves la!"
"It doesn't mean that we're the last to leave, we'll be the last to return. Didn't you watch those Amazing Race shows? The first doesn't always stay first.. Alright. Come. You believe God is faithful? Challenge Him then! We pray right now. Tell God, that if He's faithful, we won't be last. We believe in Him, let's see what He does. Let's pray"
By this time, I was praying a different prayer - that my words don't end up coming back to bite me in the ass. If we ended up last... I dont know... FAITHS MIGHT BE BROKEN!!? MINE WOULD! It seemed so childish to pray that prayer but I needed that boy to see you, God. And I honestly felt You telling me to do this. To take that extreme step.
As we were in the middle of prayer, there was this commotion at our back, and Peter started shouting. We turned, and lo and behold!, there to our left was a bus with another team on it. We weren't the last afterall! And the other team was on the wrong bus too... so they ended up being delayed in reaching the destination. I practically saw my boy's face light up la. He was so happy we weren't lagging so far behind. He turned to me and said, "Thank you, Inez! I believe that God is so amazing!"
We ended up in fourth place.
This was what I journaled during Day 1's QT:
WHAT IS FAITH?
It's a willingness to get up, leave everything, and follow Christ because of unwavering confidence in who He is. And it's not enough to set out cheerfully with God, I must be willing to take my idea of what the journey will be like, and tear it into tiny pieces. 'Cause God does not work in ways we expect.
Hah! Easier said than done...
But you know what? God knows no fear. And He expects me to fear nothing while He is with me. God, You are totally Jeremiah 29:11-ning here.
I felt I really needed this reminder in my life, and it's just one of the thousand others I'm going to need along the way. In human fickleness I tend to forget that God...is very real.
Especially in this time of transition and searching for what I want to do with my life (The ever-elusive "what is the purpose of my life!?"), my faith has never been more challenged. Often, we just can't believe that faith is really that simple - to place absolute trust in this absolute Someone.
"He knows no fear, and He expects you to fear nothing while He is with you"
What wonderful security. Kinda cocky though.
Haaah.. But if you're GOD *shrugs*
God, it often bothers me that You still bother with someone like ME.
It makes me speechless. And completely inadequate. And fertile ground for faith to do its thing, I guess.
During this camp, You refreshed me, excited me, and moved me.
Thank you.
"Yet He did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had the power to do what He had promised." (Romans 4:20-21)
With love, hugs & kisses
Inez.
We have thoroughly reviewed your application but regret to inform you that you have not been successful in your application.
...And of course, followed by an embarrassingly patronizing:
I would like to assure you that the University Admissions Selection Committee has considered your application to the fullest extent before arriving at this difficult decision
I will be appealing!
Pray. Pray. Pray.
This post that you're reading now...
is the 100th entry of this blog!
Whooo... Thank you God for giving me lots of fodder to write about. It's either I'm incredibly long-winded, or You are "Jeremiah 29:11-ning".
Took a day's retreat at Ubin with congie today.
Jiggled my thighs to bits cycling along those dirt trails, hoping to see my very first wild boar.
(I did not see one, by the way)
Amidst the enjoying of each others' company, and catching up on some reading; most of the hours were spent doing nothing - otherwise, I'd miss the whole point of a retreat, wouldn't I?
And, there were those moments.
Like the one where we watched the sea be everything a sea should be from the back porch of some rundown colonial cottage in Chek Jawa.
Or the one we sat silent on the pier, under the rain, risking lightning cracking on our skulls, to seek God. It was in the stillness, watching nature cavorting itself around me, that I so desperately wanted to "taste and see that the Lord is good".
But it was in the return journey, when we started biking back to the ferry terminal, that I saw a beautiful analogy of lives - Of my life, of yours, of Solomon's when he was emo-ing in Ecclesiastes.
We had just went through a series of cycling up slopes and I was well into exhaustion, when we made a small turn, and I found myself looking at this STEEP incline.
I barely made it up a few metres, before getting off the bike and pushing it. Undignified.
And when we made it to the top, I glanced up from my pantings and saw in the distance yet another sharp incline about a hundred metres ahead.
I let out a very dismayed, "wah lau!", and was starting to complain to congie when he just said to me,
"It's beautiful, huh?".
And I turned my head and saw one of the ubin quarries in the distance below us. The sun was just about to set, and the water was this amazing tinge of turquoise. We were looking at it from a distance, and it looked so unspoiled. It truly was beautiful.
"Let's pause for a moment here", he said. "Isn't this just like life?"
And I couldn't agree more.
The quarry was a perfect picture of serenity and rest - And a portrait of a loving God.
Where we'd struggle, all worn out, up the steep climb, only to be faced with yet another climb ahead of us... Jesus meets us right in the middle. He calls us to come to Him to be refreshed. In the stillness, know that He. Is. God.
Thou art the God of the mornings, the God of the late at nights, the God of the mountain peaks, and the God of the sea;
but, my God... My soul has further horizons than the early mornings, deeper darkness than the nights of earth, higher peaks than any mountain peaks, greater depths than any sea in nature -
Thou who art the God of all these, be my God.
I cannot reach to the heights or to the depths; there are motives I cannot trace, dreams I cannot get at.
My God, search me out
I wrote this on the 27th October of last year, during an especially intense session up on my personal Mt. Sinai. Alot of questions, alot of disillusionment, and its own fair share of angst.
Since coming back to this online journal after a year, and since it has always been the place to store my thoughts of how real God is to me - it's only fair this gets posted here.
"All we like sheep that have gone astray"
That's all that I could come up with to fit the past few months in. So much have happened, and I have hurt or disappointed many people.
I have disappointed my God.
I met a man during work attachment in April, and we started a relationship. I'd gotten over ****** by then. That's how life dishes things out to you doesn't it? I'd never truly know for sure why God would have him placed in my life for. The end of a short story, and the start of a new one. Still, a small part felt it was like a dilution of my once immense love for him.
He said it was the age, and as it was laid very clear out in meticulous pieces for all to see that we were not possible together, because of his new position, because of what the church ******* said, it became easy to move on.
The end of a short story, and the start of a new one.
Work attachment man was called ****.
I say "was" because from now on he shall be called The Big ******* Who Was ***** For A Moment That **** **** Him *** ****** As Well, And I Do Mean EVERYTHING, And Then Decided We Shouldn't Be Together Cause I Wasn't Someone He Wanted To Commit To; But When I'm Older & We Have A Chance To Rekindle Things, We Could, Man-****.
But we'll call him ****, I think, for convenience sake.
It was an intellectual breakup. A first.
Both of us just lay our cards out open on the table and call the game a ****ty one.
It hurt, cause it was the first time I was the one who still wanted it to go on, or in short: me being dumped. And because ** *** *** ***, it hurt even more for all that.
So much have happened.
That's just one of the pieces.
How can one's morals and beliefs be compromised in just afew months? How can one's emotions be so manhandled yet so awoken? How can my God still want me?
Really.
I'm still taking baby steps back to Him when I feel I should be running on back.
WHY? Am I so cynical.
The whole of last month, it was extremely tiring coming back. I know He forgives, although I still cannot comprehend why. He sent people I hold so dear to me my way to guide, to challenge, to rebuke, to say they love me when I needed to hear it most.
The thing is, even to them, I make everything look normal and I think they're confused and disappointed. And the putting on the mask daily has worn me out.
This is the first time I'm stuck in the mud and the mire so bad. It's also the first time I just don't want Him to pick me up cause I know I'll just fall in again. Could it be I've let my foundations be shook so hard they broke.
*dust the cobwebs that gathered back here again*
I told myself I'd give it a year.
One year.
To fix the mess I'd made of my life, to know exactly where I stand in my convictions, and to realign focuses.
But that failed.
That was half a year ago.
The reason for my failure was simple - my spirit is very willing... But my flesh keeps getting weaker. The more I stumbled, the more tired I got from all that frequent falls. It was a vicious cycle.
That only one God and Saviour could throw a monkey wrench into to break.
I had to discover for myself just how completely useless I was being, going about doing everything for myself and trying to fix what I cannot. It's like trying to scratch an itch I cannot reach. Worse still, I was hiding it from people. I didn't want to stumble anyone, but perhaps I'd only wanted to keep a semblance of righteousness for my own to keep me going. A poor reflection of it.
I had to discover for myself that it's alright to make a mess of my life. It's alright to struggle, and to wrestle. It only goes to show that you're a disciple of Christ; fully alive and aware and making Satan want to come after you because he is scared. Scared that you were, and still are, meant to be who God created you to be.
I need a God who is so big, and I need Him to make me bigger than my circumstances.
I needed to realise I cannot do it on my own. I need to know He loves me.
That took another half a year.
Knowing Him, and His strength within me; often it is not that He didn't speak, but more I haven't allowed my heart to quieten, and my spirit to seek.
It's my cross to carry. That I speak of the distorted desire I have; and my constant struggle against all the world has to offer, to seek all that Christ created me to be.
It had been an immensely painful year. I feel I've grown and learnt much emotionally, and yet I'm afraid it might have made me more cynical.
God carries on helping me.
"My soul is like a house, small for you to enter, but I pray you to enlarge it.
It is in ruins, but I ask you to remake it.
It contains much that you will not be pleased to see.
This I know and do not hide."
(Augustine of Hippo, 'Confessions')
'To be called to shepherd your own cell group' should be the words etched on the signpost at the crossroad of inez's spiritual journey up until now. And pointing to the other direction will be: 'Run screaming away with arms flailing'
I was talking to jordan; and fifteen floors of conversation later, it dawned on me that there are things I am still unable to sacrifice for ministry.
And yet I'll never really know until it's down to the point where I HAVE to truly pick one or the other. Just like how a cow never knows when she's going to be roast beef till the day she realises she's fat, plump and juicy.
Still that led me to force myself to see God's promise of never allowing me to put myself in a situation beyond what I can bear, and even if I stubbornly did, He'd always provide a way out. To stare at this promise with a sense of clarity, and to really ask myself whether I embrace it. Whether that theory of faith is able to result in a life-changing practice.
Funny how I'm able to talk my thoughts into alignment when it's him I'm talking to. Maybe it's cause I'll never know when the conversation will turn a sharp bend and transform into Mr harsh tan; with him never mincing his words and constantly able to deflect off my neediness.
Or maybe it's cause it's just him. That God had placed specifically for a particular length of time in my life. And whether or not that length is a long or moderately short one, sometimes me saying "thank you" is just really not enough.
It's April.
To say I haven't been blogging much would be an understatement, wouldn't it?
So many things have happened over the past months.
Left church, messy things, back to church, started work attachment, eyes opened a little more, have people walk in and out of my life, grow, stumble, fall, and pick myself up, and grow, repeat, etc.
And still, through it all,
(Yet another understatement)
Truly... Truly...
"If He carried the weight of the world upon His shoulders,
I know my sister, that He... will carry you."
Sometimes I don't know how I put up with them.
They can be fickle, indecisive, with a perpectual disregard for time.
They say words they would later on regret. Words that cut, and drip with sarcasm. Able to tear down a person's morale just like that, whether knowing or unknowingly.
The best quote for them would have to be, "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."
They are lazy, often irresponsible, and disturb you at the most unopportune timings.
They tease, and provoke, and have high tendencies to make your blood boil.
.....................
But when it's down to crunchtime, and a time rolls by filled with despair or exasperation, hurt or crisis or devastation from the world around you - moments that you fall down and all you want to do is stay down.
They're there.
They stick around.
They don't use flowery comfort words, and the last thing they want to happen is to let you see through their veneers at how much they really care. But their presence, and their support; Most of all, their prayers... are often more than enough.
To me, at least.
I know they show love in their own different languages; and I think I thank God for them so much more than I realised actually..
And then I know how I put up with them.
"I have a watch here with me.
Now the purpose of a watch is to tell time - it cannot sweep the floor, or do something else. What it does best is to tell the time.
Same goes with us.
God create us with the sole purpose of enjoying a relationship with Him. But we fill our lives with money... with work, or studies achievements. With temporal pleasures.
Our purpose goes unfulfilled."
And so we become like a watch wanting to wash the dishes or something.
(wise words by Uncle Srimal; italics mine)
:}
This has been on repeat mode since 2hours ago.
I loved it.
(Thanks clemmie)
"God, please walk with me when I can't seem to place my steps infront of me one after the other.."
One minute I was practically stifled with it for quite a long time now, and the next it's all finished.
One thing led to another, I had no idea how. A foolish moment, perhaps.
'I have feelings for you, but I don't think I'm going to act upon it.'
And I'm in a mixture of sadness and relief - an uncomfortable feeling.
'And you'll be in my heart. In that way. Until you find that special someone else to fill yours.'
I pictured a little girl confessing to her very first school crush; something I take pride in never doing in my life so far. And so she's never knowing whether he'd smile just that special smile for her and make her feel all grown-up...
Or pat her on the head nonchalantly before walking off.
And who tells what is a crush or an infactuation or platonicity or love. It's hard to define a human love. You don't study a feeling - You, well, feel it. I wished I had an advance warning.
I pray that little girl finds the happiness she longs for in the arms of Jesus.. Because sometimes your head tells you something, but your heart just doesn't follow.
But it's over now. I got it out of my system and we'll see what goes from here.
It's a hard pill to swallow, but it's a first step into letting go.
And the waiting goes on.
There's this particular issue that's been dragging on for months, and out of frustration, I prayed that God speak to me through today if He so cares - just this day, please be so utterly real and audible in my life:
Three oh Five pm
Listening to Worlds Apart, and got all emotional - as usual.
Hahaah, that song never fails to make me cry.
Seven out of ten times I'd cry. The other three times I'm plugged in while taking the public transport and to suddenly burst into tears would be rather disturbing.
Lately I've been drifting apart from him.
To sit right next to him and realise that hey, things will never be the same again just drains me. At times I'm being overly sensitive, and when my expectations don't seem to be met, I get sad.
Hahhaa.. sad about how we've become like this.
Awkward to me, dense to you.
Whenever it comes to issues of my heart, I find myself seeming to be clinging onto my God with a slippery grip.
And then I'll sulk in a corner and wail that I don't understand all that's going on.
I am so weird.
Four Thirty pm
I remember seeing this in his notebook:
'Knowing the will of God is to glorify God and surrender to Him'
And so I pondered about it for a moment, and I found I liked it a lot. It just seemed to package it all so nicely, when in fact I believe it's the hardest thing you could put yourself into doing, us being fallible and all. Plain surrendering to Him.
Five Fifty Five pm
Shu and I were talking about rush hour and how annoying it is during dinnertime, when she said:
"It's just something that you have to accept and bear with it."
And then she stares at me, cause I whipped out my notebook and start writing that down - it just spoke to me; like how some circumstances you just have to literally grin and bear it because it is utterly out of your control.
To know the will of God, but I may not like it you know.. Can I accept it then?
In describing rush hour and look what happened.. Man, God sure throws sisters in your face with inspirational quips.
Seven oh Six pm
It all finally came out through a phone conversation - It was the right thing to do, in all seriousness. But it doesn't stop the hurt all the same.
I had all these expectations, of course, for you tend to justify yourself when a person is important to you. But I was more upset about the silent drifting apart, more than anything, I guess.
I felt like I haven't been viewing him as how a sister would a brother. And I could have stumbled him even..
I want to apologise, I don't need the baggage especially when I'm leaving soon.
I need to get home and digest this.
Twelve Twenty Seven am
Late night walk, late night coffee, late night conversation with God now.
I've always been the one struggling with so-called "You're still rather 'worldly'" issues.
Blame it on my liberal upbringing, my family background, my personality, etc..
I say things I shouldn't be saying, I can be rather touchy feely at times when I want to express some thoughts or affections.. I seem to be constantly portraying this particular "image" that I'm not sure I'm even conscious of.
But still at the end of the day, I'm painfully aware that I'm trying my darndest to walk the straight and narrow, but I'm not getting much encouragement from those around me.
And honestly,
I feel really put down about it.
I shared about my struggle today, and ultimately, I just felt this "Inez, it's SO easy. All in black-and-white, why is it so grey to you!?"
I felt like they're all confused over why I'm still wrestling with such an issue, when it had such an obvious answer.
And I'm fumbling with words to try to give them a taste of how it feels, but, duh!, I
can't.
It's so tiring to frequently hear people's comments on why can't I be more like so-and-so, or she over there; cause they're so much more holy.
Hmmmm... I wonder.. Maybe it's cause I'M NOT THEM?
How do you define someone's "holiness" anyway?
Who defines what is holy, and what isn't?
Sometimes I feel like I have to stifle who I am to fit into this particular "model christian woman" mold.
And I'm back to square one to rethink my personal convictions all over again.
To have someone mention that your PERSONAL convictions are wrong, is just so....
I don't know.
I'm frustrated.
Heyho, apologies for not updating.
But this week the projects all start piling in at once.
Come to think of it, if I wasn't so busy freaking out.. It's rather hilarious actually.
One moment we're blissfully breathing, and at the very next, there's four portfolios thrown at us, with the words "DO!".
Being near end of year 2 really threw me into the deep end of the pool - very minute theory, and all practical stuff.
Most of the projects I'm taking on are rather large-scale too, so it can be really draining if I don't prioritize properly.
P.R.I.O.R.I.T.I.Z.E.
Scary word for such a messy person like me.
I thrive in clutter! My room refuses to be cozy unless there's various inez things strewn around.
Was reminding myself of Colossians 3:23 - 'Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men.'
It's a constant reminder whenever studies push me into tight spaces.
It's nice to know I'm working for an awesome God. One who won't demand anything except for me to be myself - in love with Him; and that it's okay if I'm inadequate cause His strength is more than enough for the both of us.
:}
Off to mug with the guys now.
Will post up photos of big fat things once I get them from shulifoo.
nez to shu: -hint hint-
"When words fail me and tears fall
When I'm blind to Your Words and see no more
When heart and mind can't reconcile
Still I will love You
For in You I have found grace, mercy and hope
and in You I find an eternal, unconditional love
and I know when I turn away
Still You will love me"
Took this off the Greekgeek's page.
Lovely.
"Is that all?"
That was my initial reaction to such a diplomatic answer.
And there were so many replies running through my thoughts that I wanted to fling at him, but they were formed out of anger; and my emotions unstable.
So I didn't reply.
I didn't want to say anything in which I'd intensely regret later on..
That's what it seems like to me - Intense.
Because of me, everything ties up in concentrated knots when it comes to him.
And now I wonder how God will bring me through this. I trust that He will.. It's just the process I think about.
I called daddy to come downstairs just to sit with me.
Sometimes you just want someone to be there.
Not to be questioned about why you’re upset; just hope that someone will be there to do something with you, be around you.
And then there's that amazing worship on the keyboards when I got home..
Heals my heart, and makes it clean to rest in my God once more.
So when I looked at the message in Drafts which I was initially about to send, I'm glad I didn't reply.
That single sentence could have spoiled something that I've been cherishing all along if it wasn't for my Lord to come soothe me.
One of the more profound and beautiful songs I've heard this year.
It's completely surreal in it's simplicity - Like a child's love song.
Sixpence None The Richer - Brighten My Heart
My heart is as dark as the soil sodden with winter rains
My soul is as heavy as the peat freshly dug from the bog
My thoughts swirl like willow branches caught in autumn winds
My body as tense as a cat's as it stalks its prey
Help me open my heart to You,
Help me open my heart to You,
Help me open my heart to You, oh Jesus
It's what I long to do
My heart is as dark as the soil sodden with winter rains
(Lord, brighten my heart)
My soul is as heavy as the peat freshly dug from the bog
(Lord, lighten my soul)
My thoughts swirl like willow branches caught in autumn winds
(Lord, still my thoughts)
My body as tense as a cat's as it stalks its prey
(Lord, relax my body)
Help me open my heart to You,
Help me open my heart to You,
Help me open my heart to You, sweet Jesus
It's what I long to do
-Conversation with Shu about the guys kay poh-ing on what I was talking to Clem about last night-
"So they really do care, huh?"
"Yah! They do.. heart melt right poop"
"Man... This is going to make it so much harder"
"Wah lau.. It's still sinking in. I'm going to be the only girl left!"
"Let's not talk about it already kay? It's not like it's the end of the world! Though I'm acting like it is... I need to shower now."
"Ok. End of conversation."
It's been a rough week.
Been having lengthy discussions with my parents over an issue that's been weighing on my mind.
I'll be leaving church to accompany them to another one closer to home sometime early next year.
My parents were both once fervent believers, but stuff happened over at their previous church to make them leave.
And never want to step into another one again.
Hard to try and explain the feeling of having Christian parents, and that they don't pray, don't read the bible, don't go to church... And still when it's down to crunch time and their faith is put to the test, they stand up to it and pull through.
I can't count the number of times and people daddy have saved just by being this testimony and talking to them.
But then it's not about works, is it..
It's really taxing.
How do you define a true believer?
One moment you blow hot, and the next you turn cold.
I'm just terrified God will spit them out cos of their lukewarmness..
Took me close to four years trying to get them to rekindle that first love they had with You.
You've been nudging me in this direction for close to one and a half years, but I haven't been listening, have I?
I'm really comfortable where I am. And still I pray for my parents.
And once more stay where I am.
Until recently You placed that burden in my heart again.
That it's time to do something.
I feel like that farmer who'd pray for rain for his harvest; but not go out to prepare his fields.
Last week, during dinner, I just blurted out that I'll be leaving church and to that Victory church close to home they wanted me to accompany them to. The one mummy always expressed interest to visit, but it never happened. We're going to try to make it a weekly thing.. Not a one off thing. Expect me to wake them up every sunday morning.
And by the amazing grace of God, they said okay.
As in, all throughout the years it had been no way... up until now.
Breakthrough.
I'd expected daddy to just brush it aside or change the subject but later on he told me if I'd even considered leaving amkpc to accompany them over to Victory... It must have meant alot to me that they go back to church.
YOU HAVE NO IDEA DAD.
No idea at all how much I want it.
But then I lie in bed and I can't get to sleep.
Time for some changes.
And those who're close to me will know how much I despise changes; but still, it's inevitable.
I'm torn between rejoicing with my Lord for my parents, and feeling like I'm ripping my roots out of the ground and trailing them over to Victory.
The thought of leaving amk, and not knowing whether I'd come back, is just intense.
I don't want to do it.
But I need to.
The sisters cried together today, and it made me hurt a whole lot more.
Really is painful.
Beng said it's like "tearing flesh from my heart"..
To not grow together with Pierced, and to tie up loose ends just when things are transitting and starting to grow and seem to reach a whole new level; and God, You become so real to us.
But my heart's in unrest if I don't do this.
Going to be alot harder if I keep dragging it further till my roots grow deeper with the church and I'd find it even worse to even get up and go.
Even just now, I wanted to cry and cry when we were discussing about the Pierced tees and CG contact list I'm doing up; and next year's youth rally, and plans for COOL meetings, and interning with new cells..
There's this great joy in serving, and I'm just not ready to go yet!
And I'm not ready to make it known to the band either, or everyone else.
Just a select few to keep me in prayers.
Affirm me, Father.
Grant me the assurance to know that I'm doing the right thing.
"Bottom line is that she just wants that grace & assurance that You are in control."
(Thanks Clem..)
And so the dialogue of the movie goes,
"If God doesn't give you a child, will you still love Him?"
And the three of us looked at each other and asked specific questions then.
"If God doesn't give me -insert heart's desire here-, will I still be able to love Him with all that I am?"
Can I still stand firm and proclaim that He is good even if it doesn't quite feel very good?
To allow my faith to be aligned with my feelings.
wow.
I guess this is the part where satan aka asshole whispers glibly to me; coaxing me to be jealous.
I felt the first few tendrils of it..
And I could dwell in it...
But what for?
To get all hurt & frustrated.. all for what purpose?
To gratify him? To make myself bitter and try to be someone I'm not?
Father in heaven, I thank You & give You praise for protecting me.
For pulling me back just when I was about to step over the edge.
For all that You've done on Calvary... Look where we are now. You've defeated the evil one, and brought light into my life.
Help me to be that woman running after Your own heart. Cheerful & humble, Courageous & strong in will, Full of love & life.
Always, always placing You first.
Even when I'm tempted not to.
I can't thank You enough.
Today was beautiful.
I saw with my very own eyes what You can do in each of our lives during Pierced.. How You can touch us individually and yet still bring us together as one body.
How You can place burdens in us to want to seek and save what's lost. How we'd uphold each other in prayers and encourage through sharing.
How we can worship, just pure raw worship, together.
And how I'm not the only one who felt the same way.
It's been awhile since there was simple words of adoration and simple strumming. To linger in Your presence with no false pretenses and complex technicalities.
Will it be like this in heaven?
I've a feeling it'll be way better.
They're the ones I really grew to care deeply about. Everyone is special in his own way. Cause You made them special.
Help us grow so much closer together.. And fall ever more deeper in love with You.
It'll be awhile before I forget today.
-The late night ice-cream session with yongji and limlong.
-The touching (it truly is) phonecall from congie and our prayer together.
-The reminder for shu - something for her to think about.
-The assurance that You move & work & are just so real.. Can't believe we cried together as a band. You know, we've come a long way since the first time.
Thank You.
I dreamt I saw God, writing me a letter.
I didn't REALLY get to see God.. Cause He's, well, GOD.
And soon you'll be asking me that I couldn't have SEEN God writing a letter and knew what the content was; so I'd tell you that it was like one of those scene in the movies where the narrator of the letter does a voiceover thing while the picture's moving so you'd actually HEAR what was being WRITTEN.
But it was nice all the same:
My daughter,
I know you find it difficult at times to remain patient.
Look at patience as if you were a farmer waiting for a field to grow. Before he is able to harvest his reward, he must diligently wait for the right season.
Allow me to work out things for good in your life,
and give me time to do it.
Never think that my delays, are denials.
But hold on, hold fast, and hold out.
Cast all your anxieties on me & rest in my love. You will have your answers in due season, because patience will bring reward to your life.
Love,
God
(Day 30) - The End? Labels: Surprise Me God experiment
Today is the FINAL day of the 30days faith experiment.
It's been one amazingly 'surprising' ride.
This morning I prayed,
"Surprise me God, the best way You can. Today's the last day. Leave me something special to carry for keeps. Amen."
And He did
:}
In His own unique God-like way, of course.
I'd felt rather melancholic that it's all gonna be over. I'd kinda liked praying that prayer which seems so charged with faith and childlike trust for the past 30days..
That I'd rather felt it was The End.
The End?
Apparently not.
With God,
It's always a new beginning.
His surprises are not bounded by human time, like a given 30days.
The 30days were more for ME.
To push whatever scraps of discipline I have, to see whether I want to open my eyes to see what God has in store for me rather than keep walking that safe, yet stale, path down life's merry lane.
"Leave me something special to carry for keeps."
All throughout these time, I'd unknowingly kept 30days of God's testimony.
He left me a summary.
30days of proof that He is REAL to me. That when He said He'd be faithful, that He'll love me even when I'm unlovable...
He sure wasn't lying.
And the past 30days' entries can vouch for that.
He's revealed Himself to me throughout this experiment in ways I'd never bothered to stop and appreciate before.
He's been patiently waiting, beckoning to us; it's just whether we want to run to Him... Or not.
Have you tried out your own personal 30days faith experiment with Him?
It's been 30days.
And it's definitely not The End.
:}
(DAY 17 - 29) Labels: Surprise Me God experiment
It's been awhile since I last blogged. Blogger grew cobwebs already.. Hahaaah!
Been faithful to the 30-days experiment, no worries. I've just been penning entries in my private journal (PLOG - The Paper Blog :P) instead of sitting the butt down infront of the com to type.
But now the butt has sat, spanning a bunch of days over typing these entries:
This is going to be a very very long post.
-----------------------------------
(Day 29) - The Delicate Balance
"So be careful how you live, not as fools but as those who are wise.
Make the most of every opportunity for doing good in those evil days.
Don't act thoughtlessly, but try to understand what the Lord wants you to do."
(Ephesians 5:15-17)
Enjoying God's presence, & displaying His excellency in all areas of our lives.
If we try to display the excellency of God without enjoying doing so.. it ends up having us display this shell of hypocrisy.
For how can one be without the other?
They go hand in hand - To serve God joyfully.
And if we claim to enjoy Him, but do not display it as a living testimony in all areas of our lives.. We end up deceiving not only others, but more importantly, ourselves.
Lord Jesus, may I have the passion for your glory & a passion for my joy in that glory...
And that these two are one passion.
(Day 28) - The Art of Listening
Today.. I did something I'm really not proud of.
But I thank God He gave me today to learn from..
Carpenter daddy actually took the recent weekend off from doing the things he love (e.g. cycling, swimming, staring at his fishes/plants) just to do up my room.
More specifically, my bed.
What used to be a double-deckered queensized now has her pretty legs chopped off and a quarter of her width reduced. Looks more of a daybed now.
Also threw away, reshuffled, and shifted around the furniture a little.
And so there I was late into the night reorganizing the mess that is my room into something more decent. I got to say that I'm really a monster when it comes to organizing my stuff into categories and boxes etc.. I get all cranky and my face has this perpetual frown on throughout the whole moment.
There were books stacked in pyramids, my clothes were all over the floor, and I was sitting right smack in the middle pushing earrings into a mini transparent shelving thingy; with the perpetual frown on every step of the way.
Then daddy opened the door and sort of just hovered at the opening for a bit.
He looked around the room, and he was mentioning random stuff about taking care of the new bed.. not letting The Cat scratch the wood.. all these.
I barely spared him a glance..
So engrossed was I in trying to get everything done before the sun comes up, or dooms day cometh.. That I sort of ignored him.
Thinking he'd poff up and disappear.
He sat down on my deskchair.
There was silence; could sense his presence for a while more, and then he mumbled something, and left.
It was only when the door shut did I stop what I was doing, and looked up.
There was like this tugging or a prompting; 'he normally doesn't do a thing like this'. daddy isn't the type of person who'd barge into a room, sit down and start making conversation; so what occurred earlier was something slightly out of the ordinary..
Looking back, I thought that he'd actually might have wanted some company.
To just spend some time to talk.
After all he'd done today, I couldn't even give him that.
Couldn't even put everything down and give him that moment of my attention.
Couldn't take the time out to listen.
My friends' often tease me about being daddy's pampered princess.
Pampered, yes. But never ungrateful..
Yet here I am doing exactly that.
It's like I've lost an opportunity to have done something.
Something good.
I'm feeling rather horrid now.
(Day 27) - Captivating
That's the title of the book by John & Stasi Eldredge; and I'm a little perturbed by one of the chapters in it.
It's a portrayal of God. As a lover.
As in romantic love.
As in "Therefore I am now going to allure her.." lover.
And it's a big chunk for me to sink my teeth into.
It calls for thinking of one of the most romantic scenes in movies.. And then putting myself in the scene as the Beauty, and Jesus as the Lover.
It's the most intimate of all the metaphors Jesus choose to describe His love and longing for us.. and the kind of relationship He invites us into.
No more Potter-Clay, Master-Servant, Shepherd-Sheep..
It's now Bridesgroom-Bride.
It's sounds immensely personal to me.
Pearlyn asked me once, whether I can be satisfied having God be enough as a "boyfriend" to me.. And I told her, in all honesty, that I see God as a father figure. It's hard for me to see Him as a lover, and as a best friend..
Takes a whole lot of getting used to.
But deep down I know, I'd love to though.
To take God out of that box and experience that love He's brimming with in EVERYway, and on a whole new level.
God, I really want to try.
To see You as my lover.. and as my best friend.
(Day 26) - "Well Done, Good & Faithful Servant..."
...Come and share your master's happiness"
(except from Matthew 25)
I picture the day I stand infront of the Lord during Judgement; and to have Him say that to me..
Nothing could have made the purpose of my existence more worthwhile.
And then another picture creeps in and I snigger to myself for awhile..
"Well done, good & faithful servant" is like having my God clapping; going yay Inez YAY!
:}
(Day 25) - A Saved Email
I'm struggling against having my emotions get the better of me right this moment.
It's something that's a part of me, and yet I want to get rid of cause it's really unhealthy in the long run - allowing my feelings and emotions to plan what steps I take next in life, instead of allowing God to take the reins.
And so I was switching my Hotmail to the more recent Windows Live Hotmail and was shifting my mails over just now.
I came across a saved email I kept for the sake of keeping yet never intended to reread again - kept for sentimental reasons.
It's a women thing.
Perhaps more of an inez thing.
I don't know why we do things like these.
Anyway, I reread it.
It was a little like Pandora's Box - You have that knowledge that doing this certain something would affect you in someways or the other, but still you feel compulsed do it anyway.
And once it's done, that's when all the icky horrible flying things come straight out and into your (my) emotions; albeit electronically.
I remember cursing at my foolishness a bunch of times, on why I even opened it in the first place.. And then I remember there was the swiveling of my deskchair over to my bed, throwing my head upon a pillow, yelling a bunch of times too and pounding the mattress real childishly while crying bitter tears.
But most of all, I remember it hurts real bad.
It hurts.
It's like a sharp pain straight to the heart; even if you know it can't possibly be a real physical pain to the heart and that it's all in the mind, but it's still painful nonetheless...
Grace always reminded me that it's only when you're broken do you need your Saviour the most.
Sigh... "Blessed is the one who trusts in You".
(Day 24) - Surfing
Found a thought to chew on.
Felt it was rather enchanting, so I'm sharing it here :}
You know, when surfing in the ocean; if you miss a wave, fall off your board, and wipe out.. There'll always be another wave coming right behind it towards you once more.
God just keeps sending them.
He never runs out of waves to send. He has an inexhaustible supply.
Out of the ocean, this happens too. God just keeps sending waves after waves after waves.
I think...
They call this 'grace'.
(Day 23) - Are you so ignorant?
How small God is in your eyes.
"O Israel, how can you say the Lord does not see your troubles?
How can you say God refuses to hear your case?
Have you never heard or understood?
Don't you know that the Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth?
He never grows faint or weary.
No one can measure the depths of His understanding.
He gives power to those who are tired and worn out; He offers strength to the weak."
(Isaiah 40:27-29)
(Day 22) - Dear Cherilynn,
Happy Birthday!
Oh gosh... so exhilarating, lemme do that one more time..
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
Happy birthday Cherilynn Luo Enqi!
:}
We're so glad you're finally here. Praise God.
Today our Heavenly Papa reminded me that He is faithful. Better yet, He is constantly faithful.
Love,
Your godsis.
(Day 21) - As You Wish
A cult favourite adapted from a book. I just caught 'The Princess Bride' by William Goldman on dvd today. It's a childhood classic of mine, alongside Robin Hood: Men in Tights. (Genius that one)
This story is romantic-comedic simplicity at its bestest.
So, as the movie opens we see the heroine going about her stuff on a farm. Her name is Buttercup. Yes, I KNOW!..
And soon we meet the hero who works on the same farm and answers to the name of Farm Boy.
Now Buttercup likes to boss Farm Boy around; asking him to do various chores for her most of the time. And whenever she asks Farm Boy to do something for her, he always replies, "As you wish".
In fact, that's all he ever says to her.
As they grew up together along with their hormones, soon they began to develop feelings for each other.
One day, they were in the kitchen together and as Farm Boy was about to leave the room, Buttercup calls him to wait and glances around hurriedly to give him something, anything, to do to get him to stay just a little longer. She asks him to fetch her a pitcher, which was actually just dangling within easy reach for her, but yah.
Farm Boy walks over, stares into her eyes, lifts the pitcher, and whispers "As you wish".
At that moment, returning his gaze, Buttercup finally realises that everytime he'd said "As you wish", he was really saying, "I love you".
And as the story progresses, he finally has some other lines as well.
In fact many.
But that one line lies at the heart of the story; and personally I feel that one line lies at the heart of all our stories.
It's like a kind of prayer. Dare I say, the only prayer we'd ever need if we can pray it continually and truly.
I suppose it works this way.. Sometimes we forget to surrender.
Our sense of pride, our guilty conscience, our HUMAN-ness, often cuts us off from being in the everflowing current of our God's presence.
John Ortberg says, "On the occasions when we have failed to surrender, then we have to learn to surrender even our failure."
All we have to do is ask. To let God know that He can do whatever He wants all because He knows best and He longs to give what's best for us.
To say to Him, "As You wish".
And I truly believe that when we can do that, when we can ask Him to forgive and take control.. Jesus Himself will say to us again the words that are His specialty. They are the very same words that the Princess Bride finally heard to recognize her true love.
As you wish.
(Day 20) - Age.
I asked God today about my surprise.
I didn't think much about it, but it kept coming back to poke me in the back to remind me of its presence.
Annoying little bugger which will help me to learn something good..
Or something like that.
I couldn't get my mind off it, yet couldn't wrap my mind round it.
Why why why. Why did you reveal that to me, and in such a fashion too? I'm elated and weary at the same time. Should I get my hopes up then?
I apologise that I can't reveal details much to protect confidences.
But this is my surprise today, and so I'm journaling this here and awaiting the day I can come back to this very entry and nod my head go "ohhhhh" in all comprehension.
When God finally reveals to me why.
Till then!
(Day 19) - The Reason For A New Living Translation Bible.
I got a one-year bible for my 16th birthday, and it was in the New Living Translation. Supposed to make reading a whole lot easier as compared to earlier translations such as New King James or the Holman Christian Standard or something.
And easy did it make! Oh goodness.. everyone who wants to read God's instruction manual, but just can't seem to digest those ye olde englishes earlier scripts should get one.
It's also incredibly entertaining. Everyday I end my day by reading it, sort of like a bedtime story.
One of today's verses was Isaiah 29:15-16.
In the New International Version it goes:
Woe to those who go to great depths
to hide their plans from the Lord,
who do their work in darkness and think,
"Who sees us? Who will know?"
You turn things upside down,
as if the potter were thought to be like the clay.
Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, "He did not make me"?
Can the pot say of the potter, "He knows nothing"?
The one I'm reading from the one-year bible goes..:
Destruction is certain for those
who try to hide their plans from the Lord,
who try to keep him in the dark concerning what they do
"The Lord can't see us," you say to yourselves.
"He doesn't know what is going on!"
How stupid can you be!
He is the Potter, and he is certainly greater than you.
You are only the jars he makes!
Should the thing that was created say to the one who made it,
"He didn't make us?"
Does a jar ever say,
"The potter who made me is stupid?"
...I feel as if I'm getting a scolding.
Hahaa, reading the bible doesn't have to be stale and boring. I be getting The Message next.
THAT one is sure to be an eye-opener.
(Day 18) - He said: "We're like your bodyguards lah!" And then he struck a manly pose.
The guys came over today for pizza and dvds.
We sure didn't plan it - But we had supper and chitterchatted at mac till 5am; and six guys ended up squashed up in my brother's room to bunk over.
My brothers in Christ. I think I love them.
For the longest time, I've always been the only girl whenever the churchies hung out.
It used to bother me alot.
Oh, there were other girls.. But one by one they started leaving.
I'm still being teased about being the jinx who chased the sisters I get close to away :}
(Shulifoo! Watch out!)
And I don't tell anybody or show it much, that deep down it hurts to have people come and go just like that. Like the time we spent growing together just blows away.
I still meet up with some, but only some. People sort of MOVE ON, I guess.
Funny, I don't really like that word.
Hahaah, sort of like the saddest words in the dictionary, second to 'If Only..'
Sad, right? It even sounds like a sigh. A sigh of regrets and losses.
I still remember, when I was a kid I used to pray to God, "Dear God, please give me friends.."
Hahhaa, so loserish right.
But I never could find a bunch of friends to huddle together and weather storms.
In primary school, I was like ah lian gang leader.. story for another time. Those I thought were friends were more like people I intimidated or something - I sure as pie didn't call one up to, I don't know, giggle and talk about boys? After PSLE exams was when I first realise friends don't last forever like those commercials say they do. They come and go. Perhaps that's why in secondary school, I was a tad cynical about making lasting friendships..
I ended up making tons more; but sad thing was they were all fairweather ones. We're those who'd meet each other after many years and will still be able to slip easily into a great sort of camaraderie, but once again - no said phone calls to giggle and talk.
Poly friends are the funniest. I think we pop out in molds. You're either a clubber or a gamer or a slacker.
Or a geek.
I think I fall somewhere in the category of boring.
Then somewhere along this line of growing up, God opened my eyes and cause me to slap my forehead going 'Doh!' when I realised the very friends I've been praying for; the ones I'm closest to, the ones I wanna grow up, grow together, grow old with, were all the while right under my nose and I didn't even noticed. Or maybe it was more of I haven't bothered to notice..
We've known each other close to 7years now.
I can't count the number of storms we've weathered through together.. Many more to come too.
It's like we look at each other and think of all the muck we waded through together, but we are friends?! I don't know. I've lain on a playground bridge chitchatting with you till 3am before. I've packeted food and played infinite amount of cards with you at an obscure ah ma house before. I've swam and rockclimbed and played badminton with you before, but I didn't think we're friends!
ohgoosh look around scratch head.
It sure took me awhile to see that it's only when you take away tags and face-values, do you actually see a person for who they ARE. And that when God blesses and gives, He gives spectacularly. He gives abundantly.
And I finally got those darn phonecalls.
:}
(Day 17) - The Harvest is plentiful but the.... Harvest is scary.
I'm helping my kor out with the Harvest project.
Nah, that sounds too nice.
I'm working for my brother on the Harvest project.
He goes to take class photos of the students in Presbyterian High, and I go down to man the booth which sells the photos.
For six hours each day, I lug around this obscenely heavy duffel bag and sit and mostly stare aimlessly until various peak periods where the kids have recess or it's afterschool hours when they have the time to order the pics.
Teasing.
I use the time to catch up on readings or watch dvds on the lappy or make jewellery.
It's productive fun, really.
Spending such regular time in PHS helped in allowing me to observe. And to talk to most of the students there when they come up to the booth.
When I work with my kor's partner, Kelvin, he's known to the students as the "pai chao de"(the photographer one.) and I'm known as the "church de"(the church one.)
Funny how with that CHURCH tag, you seem to be elevated to a status of Counselling Dalai Lama of which all problems of the typical student can be solved if you, like, just come talk to me.
P.S. Bring offerings.
Everyday I get a couple of them who would come sit by the booth to pour out their concerns and problems.
It's rather heartbreaking, come to think of it.
You'll be shocked at the amount of kids who are just so troubled. You get all sorts of stories. A compilation of case studies.
I can lend a listening ear but for how long? And how often? I can't; and I don't want to be their constant source of reliance.
Most of the time, I'm just going GOD! HELP HELP!
How do you push them to God without pushing them away?
There was this one student who was showing me these slash marks.. She cuts herself when she's depressed - on both arms. I think my reaction was a mixture of sadness, disgust, resignation, and horrified freaking out.
The harvest at PHS is truly plenty.
And it was during these past days that I think of the work cut out for the church pastoral staff working alongside the school.. and I'm really thankful for them. For their passion towards the ministry, and all that love for the students. That burden to want to seek and save the lost.
Could I do what they do? Day in and day out?
I was telling a sister from the ministry staff bout What would it be like for me to grow up in a school environment where I knew there were church people praying for me and whom I can approach daily, you know? I never had a chance to experience it in my secondary school. Days of prayers in the morning and at the end of school, chapel services and biblical principles inculcated.
Would I have turned out differently? For better or for worse, actually...
God, be the Lord of the Harvest.
Teach me what to do and say as a living testimony cause it sure ain't easy..
(Day 16) - E.X.A.M. RESULTS Labels: Surprise Me God experiment
I was just standing there, staring blankly at the handphone for like A WHOLE MINUTE.
This is cute.
I actually subscribed for my school's automated sms service to beam me my results when it's out; just in case my com explodes due to my constantly checking online every eight seconds or so.
It came in the form of this unknown number, and when I saw the words 'Exam Results for..', I started freaking out so bad I wanted to put off seeing it altogether.
Oh, I thank you, God!!
This is like my best results of all semesters so far. And considering how I especially struggled through this particular semester... It really was a shock.
How something horrid can churn out something good; only God knows.
A very very pleasant surprise.
-silence-
Wheets!!! I especially adore today's surprise, Daddy! Thank You Thank You Thank YOOUUUUUU!!
Sends a million hugs, yet still wanna give more!
Sigh... Await the day in heaven where I can go on and on praising Your Name without collapsing from exhaustion
:}:}:}
(Day 15) - Dum Dum Duuuum~ Midnight Episodes. Blood Still Thicker Than Water. Labels: Surprise Me God experiment
My body clock's gone all haywire now.
Been sleeping extremely early... in the morning, and then waking up 10-12 hours later.
For good measure.
Those who had known me over the years would know that I suddenly and miraculously turn into a pig as soon as the first day of holidays strike.
A nocturnal one.
Well, it's close to 5:30am now.
Just got home from supper with the elder brother/kor.
Going to type this, catch the sunrise.. before hitting bed.
Kor and I seldom talk. As siblings have this secret code of not showing affection unless affection is defined as smacking the other in the pancreas with a wooden spoon. But when we do, talk can go on and on and on...
I remember one part of the conversation we had just now. We were wondering what we'd do if our parents were to suddenly drop dead. Morbid, yes. But it's just convo.
Not to mention a reality check.
Cut long story short, we were discussing insurance and CPFs and stuff until he casually mentioned he'd quit school to get a job to support me through my education if the money left behind didn't come to us. If there was a need for us to support ourselves, he'd take care of me...
In his words, it's more of a "Of course la! Family still need to ask, for what..",
But it still left me with an I-don't-know-what-to-say-to-that emotion.
It could just be pure older brother responsibility doing the talking, but it still always warms the heart to know that there'd be this someone who'd be there in times of crisis. Even though he doesn't show it; and mostly super annoys my existence..
:}
Little things like that, especially between siblings, just screams of the grace of God upon my life.
(Day 14) - Tarpaulin Mats Labels: Surprise Me God experiment
In camps, I used to play a really popular team-building game where there's this tarpaulin mat laid on a slope, entirely smothered in a mixture of starch, water, soap, -insert yuckygooey mess here-, etc etc.
The objective of the game is to get a team member from the bottom of the slope to the top. Across the mat, of course. But since that darn thing would be so slippery with all the gunk slathered on that you can't get a proper grip or foothold... You'll start seeing people take a running leap to try and pull themselves up the slope before slipping and sliding all the way down again.
Most of the time, the winning team's solution would be to have its members all lying down with one on top of the other across the mat; feet on each other's shoulders to form a makeshift human ladder, before a member would climb over their sprawled carcasses bodies to the top.
I just had this flashback of what, in my personal opinion, is a really horrible game cause I thought it's like me and my sins.
I try to get to the top, but my sins keep causing me to slip and slide all the way to rockbottom again...
I can never make it on my own.
But God gave me brothers & sisters who love me enough to bother to lay themselves down - getting all mucked up and dirty, be it through prayers or words of encouragements or even fighting the devil, just so I can pull through..
Who are your team members in your life, now?
(Day 13) - 'Till Death Do Us Part Labels: Surprise Me God experiment
I got violently sick today.
It came so suddenly too.. One moment I was sitting in church, the next I'm hurling chunks.
I despise falling ill. I rarely do; but when I do, it mostly ends up having me wanting to curl up somewhere dark and give people blank stares.
Wewe mentioned I looked horrible. And for him to pass on a comment like that means I seriously got to take care lest I die or something. True story.
Mmmm.. I don't really quite know how to explain, but I've been feeling oppressed.
I'm experiencing things I've never before.
daddy says sometimes God brings us through circumstances so that we can help others go through similar ones in future.
Perhaps.
And I find it hard to specifically explain it to those who care.. Like what's going on and what's wrong.
They'll ask, and they'll get "I'm alright. -smile- You can keep me in prayers though." in return. But truly, please pray.
Cause I don't know how to put it into words. I can try. But it'll just end up sounding like something that I can brush easily away when it's not.
I don't even know what I'm talking about now...
yucks.
It's like I feel satan's waiting in the wings for me to slip just a little bit, so as to stick a foothold on me.
But my God fights for me, and He protects me. The battle's already won. I take courage in that knowledge. Time after time I remind myself :}
I may not comprehend, those I love may not understand; but my God sees all and knows all. He's got the big picture.
Sigh... I just got to trust Him and go along for the ride.
(Day 12) - Anberlin says... Labels: Surprise Me God experiment
"Emotive unstable. you're like an unwinding cable car.
Listening for voices, but it's the choices that makes us who we are.
So self-absorbed, you've seemed to ignore the prayers that have already come about.
This is the corelation of salvation and love.
Don't drop your arms. I'll guard your heart.
With quiet words I'll lead you in.
Don't be decieved. Don't soon forget.
You've been misguided. I'll guard your heart.
This is the corelation between salvation and love."
---------------
The Lord of my life speaks to me through music and the written word.
This one's personally just another subtle reminder of His quiet devotion; His everlasting faithfulness.
(Day 11) - Hamster On A Wheel Labels: Surprise Me God experiment
So I was feeding the hamsters today; when my favourite fattyfatty one caught my eye.
It's name is Ichi. And it was running on its wheel, looking as if it haven't a care in the world, or the musty cage, in this case.
It just kept running. The wheel can only go so many revolutions before it bores even its plastic sporks to death, and still Ichi kept on going and going.
I thought my day went rather like that of Ichi on the wheel.
Won't lay out my schedule, but today was really filled to the brim with meeting up with people. But still I want to keep on going and going, cause it's such a blessing to be around those you care about. To love and laugh and thank God for allowing me to run into them along the road to journey's end. Sometimes even over them. Haaaah.
Even when I reached home at ten in the night, there was still time to take a stroll with daddy. We bought a bottle of Carlsberg from the kopitiam downstairs on a whim, and were swigging from it as we walked, talked, enjoyed each other's company.
That's what it was - enjoying each other's company.
If I could keep going on and on round the wheel of life just plain being around the people I love.. enjoying their company. But for how long? How long more...
If, or when, depending on the mood now I guess, it all comes to pass and there's no more tracks to run on.. What then?
If I were to remove that wheel the hamsters have come to take advantage of its always being there, will they still continue to run? On the kitty litter and sawdust?
What then?
God, You'll still be there. Always and eternal.
Truly no eyes have seen and no heart can fully comprehend ALL that You are.
Love You :}
(Day 10) - Signs Of Emerging Prayer Warriors Labels: Surprise Me God experiment
To have the people dearest to me lay hands and pray together as a body of Christ..
Oh God, that which is so important to You - a broken spirit and a contrite heart.
------------------------
I lift up my eyes to the hills,
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip,
He who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
The Lord watches over you,
the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
The Lord will keep you from all harm,
He will watch over your life;
the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.
(Psalm 121)
(Day 9) - The Limmies Labels: Surprise Me God experiment
daddy took leave from work today, and we headed down to where we affectionately call 'Poh Huat road' to pay respects to ah gong.
It's his death anniversary today.
For the first time in over twenty years, the whole Lim family, relatives included, met on the actual day itself - the 5th of Sept, and told stories in remembrance of him.
I never got a chance to meet him as he died before I was born, but from all I heard over the years, he's real disciplined and strict.
A person who showed love to his children in his own ways, and it took them twenty years to be able to forgive him for that.
Not really in the mood to write down more. My emotions are kind of in topsy-turvy - in a good way.
Today God stressed to me the importance of family.
(Day 8) - Labels: Surprise Me God experimentSamaritan. Favours. Help.
Today we celebrated part two of "yes, milord"'s birthday with K-Lunch at kbox plaza.
I swear, that is like the most obscure place in Ang Mo Kio history.
I've been lending people stuff recently.
I think I'm awaiting the return of two books, three cds, and close to nine people yet to return me cash. Oh, and my entire anime collection. But I guess that takes time...
I'm really fine with lending people stuff. Honest. I do what I can.
Up until today actually.
A brother asked to borrow my SLR camera, and for the first time ever, I'm actually lending someone something somewhat reluctantly.
The worse part: It's because I'm afraid he's not responsible enough to take care of it.
Oh gosh, felt so horrible. Feel like cringing.
I saved up for a really long time just to purchase that camera, and saved up even longer to purchase a 25-75mm lens to go along with it, and you can't find that model series anymore in this digital camera era. Plus it's been with me ages. So it's very precious to me.
"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."
-John 15:13-
How am I supposed to do that when I can't even part with material?
P.S: I lent it to him in the end though. Hahaah, along with a photography tutorial that's actually a handle-it-with-care threat, in disguise.
(Day 7) - The Ungodly Hour Labels: Surprise Me God experiment
Today we celebrated "yes, milord"'s birthday.
All I can say is we dragged it out till 4am before cabbing home.
I got a chance to talk to the cab driver about God.
The funniest thing: I hadn't meant for it to happen it quite that way, cause we started out talking about seventh month and spirits and things that might appear on the roadside in white without legs...
One thing led to another and look what happened.
God somehow found a way to squeeze into the conversation.
:}
I'm praying that the cab driver drives safely home pondering bout what we said..
(Day 6) - 3-NITI. Labels: Surprise Me God experiment
It had gone on for six straight days, this strange ritual:
Once around the city with the ark of the covenant, before heading back to camp.
He looked up as he marched. Those priests are still blowing their trumpets...
He looked around him as he marched. At the faces of the men, no, the brothers he had fought battles together with. The weirdest thing - no one was talking. They were ordered not to.
And then he looked forward as he marched. In the light of the rising sun with its swollen golden belly, he could only see the profile of the person he'd pledged his service to. But even from that squinting distance, he was guessing his leader's face would be etched with a look of determination.
His leader's name? Joshua. And it's been said he talks with God.
Today was the seventh day.
And as he marched silently round the city for the fifth, coming to the sixth, time.. He felt this weird sensation deep down in his gut that something; he didn't know what, just something, was going to happen.
The sun was rising higher. Before long it would be blazing overhead. He was still pondering over this nagging feeling within, when they rounded the corner for the seventh time; and Joshua opened his mouth to speak. Joshua's voice and his command rang clear and loud.
As the trumpets sounded a long blast, something finally clicked into place inside of him and he joined with the others to raise up a triumphant shout.
"finally..."
The trembles started out so small he barely noticed. But it grew and grew, and then suddenly, before his very eyes - a miracle.
The walls; the walls of Jericho, crumbled and collapsed with a tremendous crash. What was once a fortified fortress where no one either went in or out, now was just dust and debris.
As he charged straight into the city, tears were streaming down his face.
-------------------------
God... You tore down walls today.
(Day 5) - Kopi-O Kosong Labels: Surprise Me God experiment
Praise the Lord!!
I personally felt the play was a great success. It's the first time the church held an event like this. It was extremely exciting, still extremely nerve-wrecking to be part of the whole production and to see God's hands working its wonders in ensuring the play ran without hitches.
A brother asked to steal a minute of my time before our turn came to perform.
I really wasn't up for a heart-to-heart so near to curtain's up... But God intervened. As always. Hahaah, He popped out my surprise.
In hindsight, I thank God I did let a minute of my time be stolen.
Yeah.. God, I thank you for allowing me to pray with him for his family. And to talk to uncle later on about You so much more on a different level. Never did I expected him to be so open.. But you never did the unexpected anyway.
It was a learning experience for me. That sense of urgency to want to see the salvation of people you care about. I specifically remembered when uncle told me he could relate to what the lead character was going through in the play - to work in a stressful environment and to not earn enough. Your health goes down, the bills go up, and there's no sense of accomplishment in most everything you do.
He had this look on his face and I just felt really horrid for the circumstances. I really pray he finds what he's looking for.
That we all will.
(Day 4) - Reflections a la Tom Yum Noodles Labels: Surprise Me God experiment
It had been a slow slooooow day and I was really enjoying it to the fullest.
I wiled my day away finishing up two books, and starting on yet another. Oh, to be able to just settle back and not be having "omigosh! D.E.A.D.L.I.N.E. tomorrow!!" suddenly barge into my mind with all the certainties of an uzi-wielding terrorist.
It just utterly relaxes.
It was close to 1am and I was having supper - tom yum noodles!, when I just started spacing out. I was suddenly reminded of God's great love.
Scenario.
You're a Christian serving faithfully and you turn up on sundays week after week. You have had a personal relationship with Jesus Christ for close to 7 years now, and you love Him wholeheartedly. You know that He loves you too. Now, question.
What is God's love to you?
Will it be shocking to realise that you've all the model answers readily prepared; John 3:16, Psalm 107:1, Deuteronomy 7:9, paraphrasing according to biblical scripture is wonderful.. But perhaps, just perhaps, you're stumped when asked what is God's love to you personally? That deep down inside you're hardpressed to come up with an answer that would satisfy you.
It happens to me.
Have we lost understanding of what is most basic of all emotions... Coming from the God of love Himself? A child would have answered as only how he/she knows how to: Honestly, sincerely, and with no pretenses.
I guess our love depends on the reciever most of the time. Let a thousand people pass in front of us, and we will not feel the same about each one. It's like a regulated love.
Even when we find a few we can love, our feelings still fluctuate. How they treat us affects how we love them.
Not so with the God of love. The contradicting God that chooses to surprise me with a love that I least expected, and more importantly.. I least deserve.
God loves me simply because He chooses to do so.
He loves me when I feel unlovely.
He loves me when no one loves me.
He loves me. Always. No matter what.
And all these amazing reminders over tom yum noodles..
(Day 3) - It Is A Pleasant Title: The Ex-Girlfriend Best Friend Labels: Surprise Me God experiment
Short post today.
The said ex-girlfriend (see previous post) was my surprise.
And oh goodness, what a surprise!
They didn't plan it. And I sure didn't plan it, but God just decided that the same thing that happened the day before should reoccur again today. It is a good subsequent day to lend a listening ear and to just be a friend.
Except this time I was speaking to the other party - machiam negotiating.
Sigh.. God, I lift these two friends up to You.
(Day 2) - "My Best Friend In The World, I Know He Means Much More To You" Labels: Surprise Me God experiment
It came in the form of an sms again.
He stopped msging me a short while back ever since he got together with his girlfriend. She was the jealous sort. Even after he broke up with her, the frequent sms-es still never came. Because he, in his own words, knew she became closer to me in friendship and it didn't feel right to squash me in the middle with both their problems.
Oh, to be concerned of how I would feel when you aren't even sure of your own yet, you poor deluded boy! Sigh. You know I love you. But sometimes you make people just wanna strangle you.
What do you do when you want to help a friend who means so much to you, but his view seems to be clouded by emotions gone all haywire and confused? And he's just charging on ahead and going about it stubbornly his own way.
I felt that I've done all that I could, and was just waiting for him to break down enough to open up a space in his heart to let God in to comfort.
That day came today along with his sms. After such a long hiatus, it was rather shocking.
God gave me a chance to listen and to be there.
He gave me a chance to be a friend.
(Day 1) - Of Reminders & Phonecalls Labels: Surprise Me God experiment
Today is the first day of what is said in a really loud and excited voice, 'Surprise Me, God' experiment.
I got out of bed with this mounting sense of Something's Gonna Happen feeling. Like, God whispers "I've got a surprise for yooouu" and then flounces away laughing. In all honesty, I was looking forward to some miraculous sign happening.
I speak some edifying message, a chance to ensure a stranger's salvation, fish falling out of the sky...
I got reminders straight to the heart instead.
And it sure was a surprise; albeit a thought-provoking one.
I got an sms today, and was given a choice to have a conversation with a person. A conversation that I've been putting off and would have given some excuse to put off once again, if not for a nudging that seemed to say, "What if it's part of your Surprise Me experiment?". I called the person even though I felt that it wasn't the right time. What I expected to be a chore turned out to be a reminder in love. It was a 'That wasn't so bad as I initially thought it would be' moment. The circumstance was bound to happen sooner or later, and God just decided it should be sooner.
Later on today, I had another reminder in love.
This one was painful.
During a keyboards session, we were reminded to pray for those who have not yet come to know a God that just wants to love us individually as His own. I tried to think of one, but all I seem to get was my family instead. And that was hard. How do you approach the ones you love who are believers themselves, but just do not seem to realise that they're stuck somewhere in the middle. Neither moving forward nor back. Just seeming content with where they are - lukewarm.
I've fallen out of the habit of praying for them, it was a reminder for me to snap back into attention once more. Have you fallen out of the habit of keeping your loved ones in prayer as well? It's never too late. Until it's too late, of course.
"What if:
Every day, for thirty days, I pray and ask God to surprise me?
“Surprise Me, God.”
Nothing more, nothing less. Three words. Not asking for something in particular. Not giving him my list. Not presenting my agenda. Just inviting him to barge into my life in any old way he pleases - to crash into the busyness of my schedule and mess with it.
Then, what if:
Every day I record my thoughts and activities? All the twists and turns that give shape to the month. I'll look for when, where, and how God steps into my world in a practical, everyman sort of way, and then I'll transfer it all onto my hard drive. I suspect this won't be a collection of “highlight” stories (TV tales of only the positively answered prayers that seem out of context and too good to be believed), but rather a measure of “reality spirituality.”
I suspect it will include stories of seemingly unanswered prayers as well. Maybe the surprise will be that on many days no sugarcoated coincidences aligned at all - the day headed south and just kept going. Maybe the surprise will be in how I handle that, or don't handle it. Maybe the surprises will be more internal than external. Maybe the sea will part, the rod will bud, and the sky will rain biscuits. Maybe not.
I have no idea what those “maybes” will look like - except that I expect they won't be what I expect. Today there is no story. But come Monday, the experiment begins. Thirty days from now I'll be done. The book of stories will have been written, assisted by the Surprise-Meister. All the “aha” moments will be in the bag; the good, the bad, and probably the odd as well."
Terry Esau.
One of my favourite authors.
He wrote the book 'Blue Collar God, White Collar God' - filled with short stories on refreshing new takes of God, and still one of the books I pick up to read over and over.
His latest creation is out.
'Surprise Me'
A 30-days experiment in relinquishing control. I challenge you to take it up.
I'm starting tml. It's gonna be such an eye-opener!
yay.
The ones I wanna call up for late night prata, and have smashing good times with.
:}:}:}
Semester's coming to an end! With one more paper to go. Praise God.
Looking back on all that has passed, I couldn't help but think that if I haven't a God to cling onto and trust, I'd most probably gone into a deep depression by now. If not earlier.
The inner turmoil I experienced this first half of the year was terrifying. This was a first for me, to face such a long period of spiritual dryness and personal struggle. When asked the question, "what's the problem?", there wasn't a specific one, but rather there seemed to be one from every aspect of my life be it family, service, relationships with people, studies, work, etc. And they didn't all take queue numbers and approach one by one, but flood in and pile up mostly all at once till I felt suffocated and very very upset. And lost.
I honestly couldn't find rest or a sense of peace.
And it frightened me to want to let go and let God; to surrender, but of whether I was doing it or just fooling myself - I wasn't sure. To have this constant pressing feeling, and not feel at ease with myself; half the time I'll be staring off into space or be lost in my own thoughts. The only time I'd feel most myself was if someone or something makes me laugh, then the weight seem to lift, but once that passes it all crashes down again. I felt like I'm not where I should be.
It was hard. And a bitter pill to swallow.
I wrote this months back in my journal:
"I wake up every morning and feel like I'm donning the armor of God piece by piece, each one extremely heavy and burdensome, before trudging off to face the world with its sickening environment and sinfulness once more. Day after day I fight to pull myself away from the grey areas and focus on the black & whites; and to call it difficult is the understatement of the century. I haven't felt the joy of a new morning for quite awhile now. It sounds so cynical and cranky.. and I'm lonely."
For a moment in time, I felt like God has turned His face away from me. Like David lamenting, "How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?". I knew I was not trusting Him enough; just giving Him pieces to hold instead of my all. I knew He has always been there, and I'm just covering my eyes blinding myself on purpose. By knowing and doing doesn't always coincide.
I was just going through motions and talking to people in need and yet not taking my own advice for my own. It went on for months. I feel awkward around the people I was once so close with, and the facade I was constantly slipping on was really starting to hurt my face.
And then there came this day where there was this sudden numbness in me that basically killed all joy. I just didn't care about anything anymore. Not my studies, not my feelings for another, not even my family.. Just this hollow dull thud within me.
That was when I thought I was going through depression, and wondered whether I was going to turn suicidal any moment too. I was still treating it like one hilarious joke as I went to my favorite playground in the middle of the night for some alone time, and just to walk and walk in the stillness and try to sort out why on earth I was feeling so emotionally traumatic & physically drained & spiritually sapped.
I think I prayed like I've never prayed before that particular time. I stayed there for about 2 hours.. just too tired for tears, and laying it all out bare for Jesus to enter and take charge from here on. He'd given me people who care and offer support but I've been blind to them as well when I should be thankful beyond words. I was drawing away from the very people I should be journeying with. No more blind spots, no more saying for the sake of saying and deceiving myself if not letting satan do it for me.
I saw Him without all the excess baggage and head knowledge then. He showed me the God that I was supposed to know. One who'd run to me, look me in the eyes and say, "Do you know I still love you?" even after all the muck I've gotten myself into. I said I was sorry. But the words are not enough and I want my life to show it instead. I want to be the silent movie instead of the radio programme. Better yet, make me into a blockbuster that has the actions and the words.
I think I've changed over these past few months. Because of these past few months. I'm letting God rekindle the flame within me once more - in His own timing and way. I'm letting it all be simple again. To trust without all the complexity that shouldn't even be around in the first place.
To have faith like a child.
Now that I'm reflecting back, I'm not ashamed to be brutally honest with myself by typing what I really feel, physically and emotionally, here. I'm a youth. Reckless, wild, emotional; but I want them all to be from God, for God. To the future Inez that might stumble upon this entry in future and either laugh or ponder over it, just wanna say PRESS ON! PRESS ON! I was in need, and my God provided. He heals and He restores! You'll always only be just beginning to find out so much more about the One who loves you, and me, unconditionally.
Clem and I were picking songs we like from the new Casting Crowns album
(Hidden track in track 10!) :
"I like Slow Fade."
-Clemmie scrunches up face-
"How bout Somewhere In The Middle? That one has a very mellow ballad feel to it.."
"That one's nice. So is East To West. At least those songs are very relevant, very real. My taste in songs are changing. Man.. I'm getting old."
"Yah. The next thing you know tomorrow you'll be listening to Maranatha... or Phillip, Craig & Dean!"
-----------------------------------------------------------
"People aren't confused by the gospel
They're confused by us
Jesus is the only way to God
But we are not the only way to Jesus
This world doesn't need my tie, my hoodie
My denomination or my translation of the bible
They just need Jesus
We can be passionate about what we believe
But we can't strap ourselves to the gospel
'Cause we're slowing it down
Jesus is going to save the world
But maybe the best thing we can do
Is just get out of the way"
-What This World Needs, by Crowns.
I took time out from studying to take a walk downstairs just now. It was nice to get away and just wander around on my own.. indulge in my own personal bubble for a bit.
I remember frowning when I flipped through my planner and saw there isn't a week coming up where I have absolutely nothing to fill it in with.
Everyday there's something to do.
If it isn't people, then it's studies, if not studies then it's work, or else keyboard class or jamming.
And then I remember jumping around a lot when I finally found one week completely free - That's in December... Late December.
But still, how many times when there are so much things at hand, and yet at the end of the day God has safely brought us through?
The Lord really is my light and comfort. He's my candle in the dark path ahead.
Although He doesn't show the whole way.. But still, always enough to last each day.
And I can't thank Him enough for that.
