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(DAY 17 - 29) Labels: Surprise Me God experiment
It's been awhile since I last blogged. Blogger grew cobwebs already.. Hahaaah!
Been faithful to the 30-days experiment, no worries. I've just been penning entries in my private journal (PLOG - The Paper Blog :P) instead of sitting the butt down infront of the com to type.
But now the butt has sat, spanning a bunch of days over typing these entries:
This is going to be a very very long post.
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(Day 29) - The Delicate Balance
"So be careful how you live, not as fools but as those who are wise.
Make the most of every opportunity for doing good in those evil days.
Don't act thoughtlessly, but try to understand what the Lord wants you to do."
(Ephesians 5:15-17)
Enjoying God's presence, & displaying His excellency in all areas of our lives.
If we try to display the excellency of God without enjoying doing so.. it ends up having us display this shell of hypocrisy.
For how can one be without the other?
They go hand in hand - To serve God joyfully.
And if we claim to enjoy Him, but do not display it as a living testimony in all areas of our lives.. We end up deceiving not only others, but more importantly, ourselves.
Lord Jesus, may I have the passion for your glory & a passion for my joy in that glory...
And that these two are one passion.
(Day 28) - The Art of Listening
Today.. I did something I'm really not proud of.
But I thank God He gave me today to learn from..
Carpenter daddy actually took the recent weekend off from doing the things he love (e.g. cycling, swimming, staring at his fishes/plants) just to do up my room.
More specifically, my bed.
What used to be a double-deckered queensized now has her pretty legs chopped off and a quarter of her width reduced. Looks more of a daybed now.
Also threw away, reshuffled, and shifted around the furniture a little.
And so there I was late into the night reorganizing the mess that is my room into something more decent. I got to say that I'm really a monster when it comes to organizing my stuff into categories and boxes etc.. I get all cranky and my face has this perpetual frown on throughout the whole moment.
There were books stacked in pyramids, my clothes were all over the floor, and I was sitting right smack in the middle pushing earrings into a mini transparent shelving thingy; with the perpetual frown on every step of the way.
Then daddy opened the door and sort of just hovered at the opening for a bit.
He looked around the room, and he was mentioning random stuff about taking care of the new bed.. not letting The Cat scratch the wood.. all these.
I barely spared him a glance..
So engrossed was I in trying to get everything done before the sun comes up, or dooms day cometh.. That I sort of ignored him.
Thinking he'd poff up and disappear.
He sat down on my deskchair.
There was silence; could sense his presence for a while more, and then he mumbled something, and left.
It was only when the door shut did I stop what I was doing, and looked up.
There was like this tugging or a prompting; 'he normally doesn't do a thing like this'. daddy isn't the type of person who'd barge into a room, sit down and start making conversation; so what occurred earlier was something slightly out of the ordinary..
Looking back, I thought that he'd actually might have wanted some company.
To just spend some time to talk.
After all he'd done today, I couldn't even give him that.
Couldn't even put everything down and give him that moment of my attention.
Couldn't take the time out to listen.
My friends' often tease me about being daddy's pampered princess.
Pampered, yes. But never ungrateful..
Yet here I am doing exactly that.
It's like I've lost an opportunity to have done something.
Something good.
I'm feeling rather horrid now.
(Day 27) - Captivating
That's the title of the book by John & Stasi Eldredge; and I'm a little perturbed by one of the chapters in it.
It's a portrayal of God. As a lover.
As in romantic love.
As in "Therefore I am now going to allure her.." lover.
And it's a big chunk for me to sink my teeth into.
It calls for thinking of one of the most romantic scenes in movies.. And then putting myself in the scene as the Beauty, and Jesus as the Lover.
It's the most intimate of all the metaphors Jesus choose to describe His love and longing for us.. and the kind of relationship He invites us into.
No more Potter-Clay, Master-Servant, Shepherd-Sheep..
It's now Bridesgroom-Bride.
It's sounds immensely personal to me.
Pearlyn asked me once, whether I can be satisfied having God be enough as a "boyfriend" to me.. And I told her, in all honesty, that I see God as a father figure. It's hard for me to see Him as a lover, and as a best friend..
Takes a whole lot of getting used to.
But deep down I know, I'd love to though.
To take God out of that box and experience that love He's brimming with in EVERYway, and on a whole new level.
God, I really want to try.
To see You as my lover.. and as my best friend.
(Day 26) - "Well Done, Good & Faithful Servant..."
...Come and share your master's happiness"
(except from Matthew 25)
I picture the day I stand infront of the Lord during Judgement; and to have Him say that to me..
Nothing could have made the purpose of my existence more worthwhile.
And then another picture creeps in and I snigger to myself for awhile..
"Well done, good & faithful servant" is like having my God clapping; going yay Inez YAY!
:}
(Day 25) - A Saved Email
I'm struggling against having my emotions get the better of me right this moment.
It's something that's a part of me, and yet I want to get rid of cause it's really unhealthy in the long run - allowing my feelings and emotions to plan what steps I take next in life, instead of allowing God to take the reins.
And so I was switching my Hotmail to the more recent Windows Live Hotmail and was shifting my mails over just now.
I came across a saved email I kept for the sake of keeping yet never intended to reread again - kept for sentimental reasons.
It's a women thing.
Perhaps more of an inez thing.
I don't know why we do things like these.
Anyway, I reread it.
It was a little like Pandora's Box - You have that knowledge that doing this certain something would affect you in someways or the other, but still you feel compulsed do it anyway.
And once it's done, that's when all the icky horrible flying things come straight out and into your (my) emotions; albeit electronically.
I remember cursing at my foolishness a bunch of times, on why I even opened it in the first place.. And then I remember there was the swiveling of my deskchair over to my bed, throwing my head upon a pillow, yelling a bunch of times too and pounding the mattress real childishly while crying bitter tears.
But most of all, I remember it hurts real bad.
It hurts.
It's like a sharp pain straight to the heart; even if you know it can't possibly be a real physical pain to the heart and that it's all in the mind, but it's still painful nonetheless...
Grace always reminded me that it's only when you're broken do you need your Saviour the most.
Sigh... "Blessed is the one who trusts in You".
(Day 24) - Surfing
Found a thought to chew on.
Felt it was rather enchanting, so I'm sharing it here :}
You know, when surfing in the ocean; if you miss a wave, fall off your board, and wipe out.. There'll always be another wave coming right behind it towards you once more.
God just keeps sending them.
He never runs out of waves to send. He has an inexhaustible supply.
Out of the ocean, this happens too. God just keeps sending waves after waves after waves.
I think...
They call this 'grace'.
(Day 23) - Are you so ignorant?
How small God is in your eyes.
"O Israel, how can you say the Lord does not see your troubles?
How can you say God refuses to hear your case?
Have you never heard or understood?
Don't you know that the Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth?
He never grows faint or weary.
No one can measure the depths of His understanding.
He gives power to those who are tired and worn out; He offers strength to the weak."
(Isaiah 40:27-29)
(Day 22) - Dear Cherilynn,
Happy Birthday!
Oh gosh... so exhilarating, lemme do that one more time..
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
Happy birthday Cherilynn Luo Enqi!
:}
We're so glad you're finally here. Praise God.
Today our Heavenly Papa reminded me that He is faithful. Better yet, He is constantly faithful.
Love,
Your godsis.
(Day 21) - As You Wish
A cult favourite adapted from a book. I just caught 'The Princess Bride' by William Goldman on dvd today. It's a childhood classic of mine, alongside Robin Hood: Men in Tights. (Genius that one)
This story is romantic-comedic simplicity at its bestest.
So, as the movie opens we see the heroine going about her stuff on a farm. Her name is Buttercup. Yes, I KNOW!..
And soon we meet the hero who works on the same farm and answers to the name of Farm Boy.
Now Buttercup likes to boss Farm Boy around; asking him to do various chores for her most of the time. And whenever she asks Farm Boy to do something for her, he always replies, "As you wish".
In fact, that's all he ever says to her.
As they grew up together along with their hormones, soon they began to develop feelings for each other.
One day, they were in the kitchen together and as Farm Boy was about to leave the room, Buttercup calls him to wait and glances around hurriedly to give him something, anything, to do to get him to stay just a little longer. She asks him to fetch her a pitcher, which was actually just dangling within easy reach for her, but yah.
Farm Boy walks over, stares into her eyes, lifts the pitcher, and whispers "As you wish".
At that moment, returning his gaze, Buttercup finally realises that everytime he'd said "As you wish", he was really saying, "I love you".
And as the story progresses, he finally has some other lines as well.
In fact many.
But that one line lies at the heart of the story; and personally I feel that one line lies at the heart of all our stories.
It's like a kind of prayer. Dare I say, the only prayer we'd ever need if we can pray it continually and truly.
I suppose it works this way.. Sometimes we forget to surrender.
Our sense of pride, our guilty conscience, our HUMAN-ness, often cuts us off from being in the everflowing current of our God's presence.
John Ortberg says, "On the occasions when we have failed to surrender, then we have to learn to surrender even our failure."
All we have to do is ask. To let God know that He can do whatever He wants all because He knows best and He longs to give what's best for us.
To say to Him, "As You wish".
And I truly believe that when we can do that, when we can ask Him to forgive and take control.. Jesus Himself will say to us again the words that are His specialty. They are the very same words that the Princess Bride finally heard to recognize her true love.
As you wish.
(Day 20) - Age.
I asked God today about my surprise.
I didn't think much about it, but it kept coming back to poke me in the back to remind me of its presence.
Annoying little bugger which will help me to learn something good..
Or something like that.
I couldn't get my mind off it, yet couldn't wrap my mind round it.
Why why why. Why did you reveal that to me, and in such a fashion too? I'm elated and weary at the same time. Should I get my hopes up then?
I apologise that I can't reveal details much to protect confidences.
But this is my surprise today, and so I'm journaling this here and awaiting the day I can come back to this very entry and nod my head go "ohhhhh" in all comprehension.
When God finally reveals to me why.
Till then!
(Day 19) - The Reason For A New Living Translation Bible.
I got a one-year bible for my 16th birthday, and it was in the New Living Translation. Supposed to make reading a whole lot easier as compared to earlier translations such as New King James or the Holman Christian Standard or something.
And easy did it make! Oh goodness.. everyone who wants to read God's instruction manual, but just can't seem to digest those ye olde englishes earlier scripts should get one.
It's also incredibly entertaining. Everyday I end my day by reading it, sort of like a bedtime story.
One of today's verses was Isaiah 29:15-16.
In the New International Version it goes:
Woe to those who go to great depths
to hide their plans from the Lord,
who do their work in darkness and think,
"Who sees us? Who will know?"
You turn things upside down,
as if the potter were thought to be like the clay.
Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, "He did not make me"?
Can the pot say of the potter, "He knows nothing"?
The one I'm reading from the one-year bible goes..:
Destruction is certain for those
who try to hide their plans from the Lord,
who try to keep him in the dark concerning what they do
"The Lord can't see us," you say to yourselves.
"He doesn't know what is going on!"
How stupid can you be!
He is the Potter, and he is certainly greater than you.
You are only the jars he makes!
Should the thing that was created say to the one who made it,
"He didn't make us?"
Does a jar ever say,
"The potter who made me is stupid?"
...I feel as if I'm getting a scolding.
Hahaa, reading the bible doesn't have to be stale and boring. I be getting The Message next.
THAT one is sure to be an eye-opener.
(Day 18) - He said: "We're like your bodyguards lah!" And then he struck a manly pose.
The guys came over today for pizza and dvds.
We sure didn't plan it - But we had supper and chitterchatted at mac till 5am; and six guys ended up squashed up in my brother's room to bunk over.
My brothers in Christ. I think I love them.
For the longest time, I've always been the only girl whenever the churchies hung out.
It used to bother me alot.
Oh, there were other girls.. But one by one they started leaving.
I'm still being teased about being the jinx who chased the sisters I get close to away :}
(Shulifoo! Watch out!)
And I don't tell anybody or show it much, that deep down it hurts to have people come and go just like that. Like the time we spent growing together just blows away.
I still meet up with some, but only some. People sort of MOVE ON, I guess.
Funny, I don't really like that word.
Hahaah, sort of like the saddest words in the dictionary, second to 'If Only..'
Sad, right? It even sounds like a sigh. A sigh of regrets and losses.
I still remember, when I was a kid I used to pray to God, "Dear God, please give me friends.."
Hahhaa, so loserish right.
But I never could find a bunch of friends to huddle together and weather storms.
In primary school, I was like ah lian gang leader.. story for another time. Those I thought were friends were more like people I intimidated or something - I sure as pie didn't call one up to, I don't know, giggle and talk about boys? After PSLE exams was when I first realise friends don't last forever like those commercials say they do. They come and go. Perhaps that's why in secondary school, I was a tad cynical about making lasting friendships..
I ended up making tons more; but sad thing was they were all fairweather ones. We're those who'd meet each other after many years and will still be able to slip easily into a great sort of camaraderie, but once again - no said phone calls to giggle and talk.
Poly friends are the funniest. I think we pop out in molds. You're either a clubber or a gamer or a slacker.
Or a geek.
I think I fall somewhere in the category of boring.
Then somewhere along this line of growing up, God opened my eyes and cause me to slap my forehead going 'Doh!' when I realised the very friends I've been praying for; the ones I'm closest to, the ones I wanna grow up, grow together, grow old with, were all the while right under my nose and I didn't even noticed. Or maybe it was more of I haven't bothered to notice..
We've known each other close to 7years now.
I can't count the number of storms we've weathered through together.. Many more to come too.
It's like we look at each other and think of all the muck we waded through together, but we are friends?! I don't know. I've lain on a playground bridge chitchatting with you till 3am before. I've packeted food and played infinite amount of cards with you at an obscure ah ma house before. I've swam and rockclimbed and played badminton with you before, but I didn't think we're friends!
ohgoosh look around scratch head.
It sure took me awhile to see that it's only when you take away tags and face-values, do you actually see a person for who they ARE. And that when God blesses and gives, He gives spectacularly. He gives abundantly.
And I finally got those darn phonecalls.
:}
(Day 17) - The Harvest is plentiful but the.... Harvest is scary.
I'm helping my kor out with the Harvest project.
Nah, that sounds too nice.
I'm working for my brother on the Harvest project.
He goes to take class photos of the students in Presbyterian High, and I go down to man the booth which sells the photos.
For six hours each day, I lug around this obscenely heavy duffel bag and sit and mostly stare aimlessly until various peak periods where the kids have recess or it's afterschool hours when they have the time to order the pics.
Teasing.
I use the time to catch up on readings or watch dvds on the lappy or make jewellery.
It's productive fun, really.
Spending such regular time in PHS helped in allowing me to observe. And to talk to most of the students there when they come up to the booth.
When I work with my kor's partner, Kelvin, he's known to the students as the "pai chao de"(the photographer one.) and I'm known as the "church de"(the church one.)
Funny how with that CHURCH tag, you seem to be elevated to a status of Counselling Dalai Lama of which all problems of the typical student can be solved if you, like, just come talk to me.
P.S. Bring offerings.
Everyday I get a couple of them who would come sit by the booth to pour out their concerns and problems.
It's rather heartbreaking, come to think of it.
You'll be shocked at the amount of kids who are just so troubled. You get all sorts of stories. A compilation of case studies.
I can lend a listening ear but for how long? And how often? I can't; and I don't want to be their constant source of reliance.
Most of the time, I'm just going GOD! HELP HELP!
How do you push them to God without pushing them away?
There was this one student who was showing me these slash marks.. She cuts herself when she's depressed - on both arms. I think my reaction was a mixture of sadness, disgust, resignation, and horrified freaking out.
The harvest at PHS is truly plenty.
And it was during these past days that I think of the work cut out for the church pastoral staff working alongside the school.. and I'm really thankful for them. For their passion towards the ministry, and all that love for the students. That burden to want to seek and save the lost.
Could I do what they do? Day in and day out?
I was telling a sister from the ministry staff bout What would it be like for me to grow up in a school environment where I knew there were church people praying for me and whom I can approach daily, you know? I never had a chance to experience it in my secondary school. Days of prayers in the morning and at the end of school, chapel services and biblical principles inculcated.
Would I have turned out differently? For better or for worse, actually...
God, be the Lord of the Harvest.
Teach me what to do and say as a living testimony cause it sure ain't easy..
