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I wrote this on the 27th October of last year, during an especially intense session up on my personal Mt. Sinai. Alot of questions, alot of disillusionment, and its own fair share of angst.
Since coming back to this online journal after a year, and since it has always been the place to store my thoughts of how real God is to me - it's only fair this gets posted here.
"All we like sheep that have gone astray"
That's all that I could come up with to fit the past few months in. So much have happened, and I have hurt or disappointed many people.
I have disappointed my God.
I met a man during work attachment in April, and we started a relationship. I'd gotten over ****** by then. That's how life dishes things out to you doesn't it? I'd never truly know for sure why God would have him placed in my life for. The end of a short story, and the start of a new one. Still, a small part felt it was like a dilution of my once immense love for him.
He said it was the age, and as it was laid very clear out in meticulous pieces for all to see that we were not possible together, because of his new position, because of what the church ******* said, it became easy to move on.
The end of a short story, and the start of a new one.
Work attachment man was called ****.
I say "was" because from now on he shall be called The Big ******* Who Was ***** For A Moment That **** **** Him *** ****** As Well, And I Do Mean EVERYTHING, And Then Decided We Shouldn't Be Together Cause I Wasn't Someone He Wanted To Commit To; But When I'm Older & We Have A Chance To Rekindle Things, We Could, Man-****.
But we'll call him ****, I think, for convenience sake.
It was an intellectual breakup. A first.
Both of us just lay our cards out open on the table and call the game a ****ty one.
It hurt, cause it was the first time I was the one who still wanted it to go on, or in short: me being dumped. And because ** *** *** ***, it hurt even more for all that.
So much have happened.
That's just one of the pieces.
How can one's morals and beliefs be compromised in just afew months? How can one's emotions be so manhandled yet so awoken? How can my God still want me?
Really.
I'm still taking baby steps back to Him when I feel I should be running on back.
WHY? Am I so cynical.
The whole of last month, it was extremely tiring coming back. I know He forgives, although I still cannot comprehend why. He sent people I hold so dear to me my way to guide, to challenge, to rebuke, to say they love me when I needed to hear it most.
The thing is, even to them, I make everything look normal and I think they're confused and disappointed. And the putting on the mask daily has worn me out.
This is the first time I'm stuck in the mud and the mire so bad. It's also the first time I just don't want Him to pick me up cause I know I'll just fall in again. Could it be I've let my foundations be shook so hard they broke.
