>
*dust the cobwebs that gathered back here again*
I told myself I'd give it a year.
One year.
To fix the mess I'd made of my life, to know exactly where I stand in my convictions, and to realign focuses.
But that failed.
That was half a year ago.
The reason for my failure was simple - my spirit is very willing... But my flesh keeps getting weaker. The more I stumbled, the more tired I got from all that frequent falls. It was a vicious cycle.
That only one God and Saviour could throw a monkey wrench into to break.
I had to discover for myself just how completely useless I was being, going about doing everything for myself and trying to fix what I cannot. It's like trying to scratch an itch I cannot reach. Worse still, I was hiding it from people. I didn't want to stumble anyone, but perhaps I'd only wanted to keep a semblance of righteousness for my own to keep me going. A poor reflection of it.
I had to discover for myself that it's alright to make a mess of my life. It's alright to struggle, and to wrestle. It only goes to show that you're a disciple of Christ; fully alive and aware and making Satan want to come after you because he is scared. Scared that you were, and still are, meant to be who God created you to be.
I need a God who is so big, and I need Him to make me bigger than my circumstances.
I needed to realise I cannot do it on my own. I need to know He loves me.
That took another half a year.
Knowing Him, and His strength within me; often it is not that He didn't speak, but more I haven't allowed my heart to quieten, and my spirit to seek.
It's my cross to carry. That I speak of the distorted desire I have; and my constant struggle against all the world has to offer, to seek all that Christ created me to be.
It had been an immensely painful year. I feel I've grown and learnt much emotionally, and yet I'm afraid it might have made me more cynical.
God carries on helping me.
"My soul is like a house, small for you to enter, but I pray you to enlarge it.
It is in ruins, but I ask you to remake it.
It contains much that you will not be pleased to see.
This I know and do not hide."
(Augustine of Hippo, 'Confessions')
