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There's this particular issue that's been dragging on for months, and out of frustration, I prayed that God speak to me through today if He so cares - just this day, please be so utterly real and audible in my life:
Three oh Five pm
Listening to Worlds Apart, and got all emotional - as usual.
Hahaah, that song never fails to make me cry.
Seven out of ten times I'd cry. The other three times I'm plugged in while taking the public transport and to suddenly burst into tears would be rather disturbing.
Lately I've been drifting apart from him.
To sit right next to him and realise that hey, things will never be the same again just drains me. At times I'm being overly sensitive, and when my expectations don't seem to be met, I get sad.
Hahhaa.. sad about how we've become like this.
Awkward to me, dense to you.
Whenever it comes to issues of my heart, I find myself seeming to be clinging onto my God with a slippery grip.
And then I'll sulk in a corner and wail that I don't understand all that's going on.
I am so weird.
Four Thirty pm
I remember seeing this in his notebook:
'Knowing the will of God is to glorify God and surrender to Him'
And so I pondered about it for a moment, and I found I liked it a lot. It just seemed to package it all so nicely, when in fact I believe it's the hardest thing you could put yourself into doing, us being fallible and all. Plain surrendering to Him.
Five Fifty Five pm
Shu and I were talking about rush hour and how annoying it is during dinnertime, when she said:
"It's just something that you have to accept and bear with it."
And then she stares at me, cause I whipped out my notebook and start writing that down - it just spoke to me; like how some circumstances you just have to literally grin and bear it because it is utterly out of your control.
To know the will of God, but I may not like it you know.. Can I accept it then?
In describing rush hour and look what happened.. Man, God sure throws sisters in your face with inspirational quips.
Seven oh Six pm
It all finally came out through a phone conversation - It was the right thing to do, in all seriousness. But it doesn't stop the hurt all the same.
I had all these expectations, of course, for you tend to justify yourself when a person is important to you. But I was more upset about the silent drifting apart, more than anything, I guess.
I felt like I haven't been viewing him as how a sister would a brother. And I could have stumbled him even..
I want to apologise, I don't need the baggage especially when I'm leaving soon.
I need to get home and digest this.
Twelve Twenty Seven am
Late night walk, late night coffee, late night conversation with God now.
