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I've always been the one struggling with so-called "You're still rather 'worldly'" issues.
Blame it on my liberal upbringing, my family background, my personality, etc..
I say things I shouldn't be saying, I can be rather touchy feely at times when I want to express some thoughts or affections.. I seem to be constantly portraying this particular "image" that I'm not sure I'm even conscious of.
But still at the end of the day, I'm painfully aware that I'm trying my darndest to walk the straight and narrow, but I'm not getting much encouragement from those around me.
And honestly,
I feel really put down about it.
I shared about my struggle today, and ultimately, I just felt this "Inez, it's SO easy. All in black-and-white, why is it so grey to you!?"
I felt like they're all confused over why I'm still wrestling with such an issue, when it had such an obvious answer.
And I'm fumbling with words to try to give them a taste of how it feels, but, duh!, I
can't.
It's so tiring to frequently hear people's comments on why can't I be more like so-and-so, or she over there; cause they're so much more holy.
Hmmmm... I wonder.. Maybe it's cause I'M NOT THEM?
How do you define someone's "holiness" anyway?
Who defines what is holy, and what isn't?
Sometimes I feel like I have to stifle who I am to fit into this particular "model christian woman" mold.
And I'm back to square one to rethink my personal convictions all over again.
To have someone mention that your PERSONAL convictions are wrong, is just so....
I don't know.
I'm frustrated.
