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It's been a rough week.
Been having lengthy discussions with my parents over an issue that's been weighing on my mind.
I'll be leaving church to accompany them to another one closer to home sometime early next year.
My parents were both once fervent believers, but stuff happened over at their previous church to make them leave.
And never want to step into another one again.
Hard to try and explain the feeling of having Christian parents, and that they don't pray, don't read the bible, don't go to church... And still when it's down to crunch time and their faith is put to the test, they stand up to it and pull through.
I can't count the number of times and people daddy have saved just by being this testimony and talking to them.
But then it's not about works, is it..
It's really taxing.
How do you define a true believer?
One moment you blow hot, and the next you turn cold.
I'm just terrified God will spit them out cos of their lukewarmness..
Took me close to four years trying to get them to rekindle that first love they had with You.
You've been nudging me in this direction for close to one and a half years, but I haven't been listening, have I?
I'm really comfortable where I am. And still I pray for my parents.
And once more stay where I am.
Until recently You placed that burden in my heart again.
That it's time to do something.
I feel like that farmer who'd pray for rain for his harvest; but not go out to prepare his fields.
Last week, during dinner, I just blurted out that I'll be leaving church and to that Victory church close to home they wanted me to accompany them to. The one mummy always expressed interest to visit, but it never happened. We're going to try to make it a weekly thing.. Not a one off thing. Expect me to wake them up every sunday morning.
And by the amazing grace of God, they said okay.
As in, all throughout the years it had been no way... up until now.
Breakthrough.
I'd expected daddy to just brush it aside or change the subject but later on he told me if I'd even considered leaving amkpc to accompany them over to Victory... It must have meant alot to me that they go back to church.
YOU HAVE NO IDEA DAD.
No idea at all how much I want it.
But then I lie in bed and I can't get to sleep.
Time for some changes.
And those who're close to me will know how much I despise changes; but still, it's inevitable.
I'm torn between rejoicing with my Lord for my parents, and feeling like I'm ripping my roots out of the ground and trailing them over to Victory.
The thought of leaving amk, and not knowing whether I'd come back, is just intense.
I don't want to do it.
But I need to.
The sisters cried together today, and it made me hurt a whole lot more.
Really is painful.
Beng said it's like "tearing flesh from my heart"..
To not grow together with Pierced, and to tie up loose ends just when things are transitting and starting to grow and seem to reach a whole new level; and God, You become so real to us.
But my heart's in unrest if I don't do this.
Going to be alot harder if I keep dragging it further till my roots grow deeper with the church and I'd find it even worse to even get up and go.
Even just now, I wanted to cry and cry when we were discussing about the Pierced tees and CG contact list I'm doing up; and next year's youth rally, and plans for COOL meetings, and interning with new cells..
There's this great joy in serving, and I'm just not ready to go yet!
And I'm not ready to make it known to the band either, or everyone else.
Just a select few to keep me in prayers.
Affirm me, Father.
Grant me the assurance to know that I'm doing the right thing.
"Bottom line is that she just wants that grace & assurance that You are in control."
(Thanks Clem..)
