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Semester's coming to an end! With one more paper to go. Praise God.
Looking back on all that has passed, I couldn't help but think that if I haven't a God to cling onto and trust, I'd most probably gone into a deep depression by now. If not earlier.
The inner turmoil I experienced this first half of the year was terrifying. This was a first for me, to face such a long period of spiritual dryness and personal struggle. When asked the question, "what's the problem?", there wasn't a specific one, but rather there seemed to be one from every aspect of my life be it family, service, relationships with people, studies, work, etc. And they didn't all take queue numbers and approach one by one, but flood in and pile up mostly all at once till I felt suffocated and very very upset. And lost.
I honestly couldn't find rest or a sense of peace.
And it frightened me to want to let go and let God; to surrender, but of whether I was doing it or just fooling myself - I wasn't sure. To have this constant pressing feeling, and not feel at ease with myself; half the time I'll be staring off into space or be lost in my own thoughts. The only time I'd feel most myself was if someone or something makes me laugh, then the weight seem to lift, but once that passes it all crashes down again. I felt like I'm not where I should be.
It was hard. And a bitter pill to swallow.
I wrote this months back in my journal:
"I wake up every morning and feel like I'm donning the armor of God piece by piece, each one extremely heavy and burdensome, before trudging off to face the world with its sickening environment and sinfulness once more. Day after day I fight to pull myself away from the grey areas and focus on the black & whites; and to call it difficult is the understatement of the century. I haven't felt the joy of a new morning for quite awhile now. It sounds so cynical and cranky.. and I'm lonely."
For a moment in time, I felt like God has turned His face away from me. Like David lamenting, "How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?". I knew I was not trusting Him enough; just giving Him pieces to hold instead of my all. I knew He has always been there, and I'm just covering my eyes blinding myself on purpose. By knowing and doing doesn't always coincide.
I was just going through motions and talking to people in need and yet not taking my own advice for my own. It went on for months. I feel awkward around the people I was once so close with, and the facade I was constantly slipping on was really starting to hurt my face.
And then there came this day where there was this sudden numbness in me that basically killed all joy. I just didn't care about anything anymore. Not my studies, not my feelings for another, not even my family.. Just this hollow dull thud within me.
That was when I thought I was going through depression, and wondered whether I was going to turn suicidal any moment too. I was still treating it like one hilarious joke as I went to my favorite playground in the middle of the night for some alone time, and just to walk and walk in the stillness and try to sort out why on earth I was feeling so emotionally traumatic & physically drained & spiritually sapped.
I think I prayed like I've never prayed before that particular time. I stayed there for about 2 hours.. just too tired for tears, and laying it all out bare for Jesus to enter and take charge from here on. He'd given me people who care and offer support but I've been blind to them as well when I should be thankful beyond words. I was drawing away from the very people I should be journeying with. No more blind spots, no more saying for the sake of saying and deceiving myself if not letting satan do it for me.
I saw Him without all the excess baggage and head knowledge then. He showed me the God that I was supposed to know. One who'd run to me, look me in the eyes and say, "Do you know I still love you?" even after all the muck I've gotten myself into. I said I was sorry. But the words are not enough and I want my life to show it instead. I want to be the silent movie instead of the radio programme. Better yet, make me into a blockbuster that has the actions and the words.
I think I've changed over these past few months. Because of these past few months. I'm letting God rekindle the flame within me once more - in His own timing and way. I'm letting it all be simple again. To trust without all the complexity that shouldn't even be around in the first place.
To have faith like a child.
Now that I'm reflecting back, I'm not ashamed to be brutally honest with myself by typing what I really feel, physically and emotionally, here. I'm a youth. Reckless, wild, emotional; but I want them all to be from God, for God. To the future Inez that might stumble upon this entry in future and either laugh or ponder over it, just wanna say PRESS ON! PRESS ON! I was in need, and my God provided. He heals and He restores! You'll always only be just beginning to find out so much more about the One who loves you, and me, unconditionally.
