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It's 2.30 in the morning, and I just can't get myself to sleep.
I'm haunted by this melancholic feeling that just engulfed me.
It's like a dull slur in the heart that leaves you queasy, yet all charged up for something fantastic.
It also leaves you extremely lonely, and longing for a hug. Kinda.
The ache for companionship is gnawing stronger recently. Doesn't help that the novels/movies I chance upon are all poignant love and fate, and the people of my life are either blissfully married or reveling in the bittersweet spell of young love.
The hardest thing is that I don't feel jealous bout it. I'd like to though. At least I'll understand that feeling, pray bout it, commit it to God; allow me the indulgence of channeling an emotion somewhere.. and then let it all fizzle out and die. But to feel so thankful for what everyone's experiencing, darn happy even, just puts everything in a world of its own and terribly frightful to handle.
I know I'm supposed to wait patiently and all. Heck, the last thing I ever want to get entangled in is something out of loneliness and pure need. But it's something I struggle with, more so than anyone thinks. My mind and the heart are hell-bent on contradicting each other.
Psalm 121:1-2
I lift up my eyes to the hills,
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
It's hard to think of God as a lover. But I want to.
He seems the perfect one for it.. I mean, he IS.
He created love, He is love, He owns it.. Embraces it.
To think that He's watching me sleeping every night, with tender eyes and a wistful smile; that He wants nothing more than to spend every waking hour with me.. even if it's just sitting next to me, enjoying each other's presence and matching each other's breathing rhythm...
God's Girlfriend.
That would be something.
